10 Reasons We Decide to Stay with Serial Cheating Partners, Instead of Leave…
Is this the relationship we always dreamed of? If not, then what’s the real reason we decide to stay with our serial cheating partners?
We all once swore that if he/she cheated on us that we’d leave them, yet, they did cheat and we decided to stay anyway.
Every month I go through emails from betrayed spouses, just like you who, ask me what they can do to turn their serial cheating partners around and go back to the way things used to be.
But why are we so quick to forgive?
Have you even considered these 9 questions to ask yourself before you take back your unfaithful husband/wife?
Yes, even happily married people have affairs, but what if your spouse has a problem with cheating or just has major issues with relationships?
Some relationships can be fixed, even a cheater can learn ways to earn back the trust of their spouse, but sometimes should you know when all hope is lost?
And I know it’s hard to admit that it’s time to pull the plug.
I found myself in that situation before and ignored it … then paid the price of major heart break.
Why I Stayed with My Serial Cheating Ex-Wife
Even after I caught my ex-wife cheating for the second time within 2 months that I would take precautions, but, no, I didn’t.
Instead I chose to live in the fairy tale world of fantasy and hoped everything would just work itself out.
Somehow I believed she would, “come to her senses” and realize all the nice things I did for her and she would just be happy with our lives together.
I was wrong.
The serial cheating signs were there and they had been there all along, but I looked the other way.
What I thought were trips to meet up with her friends in NYC were instead trips to meet up with her lover.
And guess who dropped her off at the airport to fly on her “re-charge her batteries” trips?
Yep, me, every time.
It seemed like every day she drifted further apart emotionally, one day colder than the next.
She’d look out the window while she sat in the passenger side, never passionately kissed me and never smiled again.
Each trip became one step closer to her ultimate exit strategy of leaving me.
How could I be so ignorant?
Or…
… did I choose to ignore the obvious?
I don’t want this post to be about judging our choices to keep a blind eye on our spouse’s behavior, but rather a way to rhetorically ask ourselves why we decide to stay with our serial cheating partners.
[Participate in Poll] Why Do We Stay with Serial Cheating Partners?
10 Reasons We Decide to Stay with Serial Cheating Partners
1. “I Can’t Believe This Is Happening to Me”
Affairs, happen to you? No, never. That’s for the movies. You never think traumatic experiences (infidelity, divorce, major illnesses, catastrophic accidents, etc) could happen to you and when they do you don’t know how to react.
You’re shell-shocked.
I admit I that I was, but…
2. “I Don’t Want to End Up Alone”
When you face the reality that you could possibly lose someone dear to you the thought of lonely nights scares you to the core.
I admit that even when my relationship seemed at its bleakest point, I preferred to have her there with me.
Later I changed my mind after she left.
For me personally, the pain caused by serial cheating partners outweighs all those great moments we shared.
I needed peace.
Instead I felt the relief of the weight lifted of no longer begging her to stay when she clearly wanted out.
That was a tough realization to come to for me that it was healthier for me to emotionally let her go.
3. “I Can’t Afford to Take Care of Myself”
Going from two incomes down to one does not feel secure, at least at first.
A majority of the betrayed spouses who email me admit this is one of their main reasons to stay with their serial cheating partners.
Many of them depend on their serial cheating partners financially.
Some have even told me that they weren’t allowed to get jobs.
This of course, put their partners in position of power.
In my first marriage, I was very nervous to fend for myself after I decided that I wanted out, but quickly adapted.
I think everyone who goes through divorce adjusts faster than they thought they could.
If anything, you soon learn how good it feels to make your own financial decisions.
4. “I Love Him/Her Too Much”
In every email I ever got, the betrayed spouse claimed the same thing. And I admit that I felt the same way.
For me, I chose to marry for the long haul. I gave it my all. To me there was nothing that could get between me and her, well, except if she cheated and left.
But since then, I see now that because she did not offer unconditional love for me that we didn’t actually have a relationship.
Relationships don’t work when only one of the two wants it.
5. “I’ve Put Too Much Time into This Relationship”
No one wants to start over, especially after all the time and effort you’ve put into this relationship.
Some of my viewers who have told me that they didn’t discover the affairs of their serial cheating partners until 20 years into their marriage.
Others find out the affair had been going on for 10 years or more before they found out!
If this describes your situation, then hopefully, your unfaithful partner feels like they made a big mistake and puts forth a strong effort to earn your trust back.
But don’t be surprised if he/she doesn’t know what steps to take next.
In this case, they may need some advice on how to rebuild the broken trust with you.
6. “The Kids Need Us Stay Together”
Many women who write me struggle with this one. Of course, how could you not care for your kids’ well-being. Kids need both parents to develop into loving and self-sustaining adults, right?
The other side of this argument, of course, is will it distort their view of how to love if they see their parents become mere roommates?
A lot of great work has been conducted by behavioral researchers.
Read this detailed article including statistics and podcast how infidelity affects children into their adulthood.
Then there’s the approach of hiding the affair from the children while you both seek therapy, like this couple did.
7. “This Is as Good as It Gets”
When we have a low self-esteem or haven’t had much experience in dating prior to our marriage then it would make sense that we view meeting and marrying our spouse as lucky
And despite the toxic situation that our marriage has ended up in, we think, “This the type of relationship I am meant to have, so I’ll just hope things turn around.”
Your self-esteem (whether low or high), can dictate the kind of relationships you choose to enter or stay in and what behavior you are willing to put up with.
According to this life coach people with low self-esteem often do not know what makes them happiest and the one key to finding it.
8. Optimistic. Belief in “Fairytale Endings”
It’s natural to want to believe in Hollywood-like endings.
After all, you both were in love when you first met.
And he (or she) will probably just come to her senses and realize that finding someone else just means starting the relationship cycle again where romance eventually dwindles.
How do you actually know when your marriage has a chance to be saved?
Some experts say it depends on the type of affair and reasons behind it.
9. “I Don’t Want to Be Judged as Less-worthy”
You look around and everyone seems to have someone.
Smiley, happy couples line the streets and fill the parks holding hands.
Everyone, but you.
And you dread receiving the label of “divorced, rejected, single and unappealing”.
But isn’t that your responsibility for choosing to feel that way?
Only you can decide what is best for you.
You’re the CEO of your life.
And you get to choose to care about what other people think of you.
Maybe these 5 mind hacks can help you care less about what others think of you.
10. “I Don’t Want to Feel Like a Quitter/Failure”
Who doesn’t struggle with this one?
“Through thick and thin”, right?
We pass down that message from one generation to the next.
In the honeymoon stage of the relationship we feel invincible and bonded by emotional cement.
Nothing could tear us apart.
So we do nothing to prepare our relationship for potential traps and hazards.
I mean how many people actually take pre-marital counseling seriously?
And you will get a lot of polarizing advice on this point.
One tribe of people say “you must fight to the bitter end for your marriage and forgive your cheating spouse, everyone makes mistakes”.
And the other tribe says, “there comes a point when you must respect yourself and leave someone who has no intentions of fixing their own deep emotional issues.”
Only you can decide what makes sense for you.
[Bonus] Religious Reasons
Everyone has the right to choose what to believe.
And for many religious values serve as a guide that leads to a happy, sustainable life.
However, when a spouse cheats this can be seen as someone who was led astray and must review their beliefs in order to get back on track.
This can be tricky especially when the cheating partner seems little interested in taking responsibility for the damage he/she caused.
I’ve received emails from people who seem stuck feeling like they need to stay based on their religious belief to fight for their marriage, despite many religions viewing adultery as acceptable grounds for divorce.
Usually in these email conversations more reasons come up for staying with their cheating partner, many of them found here on this list.
Would you stay in a relationship after an affair due to religious reasons?
Healthy Relationships: Which Traits Contribute to a Healthy Relationship?
Everyone who enters into a relationship hopes they have found their soulmate.
We all seek true love, but what defines true love?
What characteristics define compatible relationships between two people who offer one another unconditional love?
In my post 25 Healthy Relationship Traits I list out what I have researched and believe to make up traits that support long-lasting relationships.
Or check out this article I found which compares healthy and unhealthy relationship traits side-by-side.
Here are some of those traits here:
- Empathy
- Openness
- Compassion
- Connection
- Fun
[Click Here] to read the post and participate in poll.
What traits do you believe support healthy relationships?
Am I missing any?
Toxic Relationships: What Traits Make Up Toxic Relationships?
Doesn’t it seem like some people just find toxic relationships one after the other?
It’s like they draw in the wrong person like a magnet.
Then once they get too deep into the relationship they can’t get out.
Perhaps their abusive partner provides them a false sense of safety or maybe they just need someone to tell them what to do.
Either way the bottom line is no one is happy in a toxic relationship.
But how do you differentiate between toxic and tough love?
In my post 101 Toxic People Traits I list what I believe to be the characteristics that lead towards unhappiness.
Read the post and cast your vote in the poll.
Also read the article I mention above that compares unhealthy versus healthy relationship traits.
Some of those traits are:
- Manipulation
- Lack of Empathy
- Narcissistic
- Sense of Entitlement
- Secretive
What traits do you believe make for an unhappy relationship?
Now it’s your turn.
Please Leave Comment at Bottom: What’s Missing in Your Relationship? What Would You Like to Happen So You Can Find Peace Again in Your Relationship? Can Serial Cheating Partners Change?
Other Resources
- People Who Gave Their Cheating Significant Other a Second Chance (a Reddit Thread)
- Even Hillary Clinton Stayed with Her Cheating Husband
