Affair Survival Outcome: Are You Headed for a Best or Worst-Case Scenario to Save Your Marriage?
What’s the likelihood you can save your marriage after your spouse’s affair and achieve the best case affair survival outcome?
When it comes down to it this really is the only decision you have to make.
If you believe you can save your marriage after infidelity strikes your relationship then you really have nothing else to decide.
The decision to stay or leave takes a backseat to this one: to decide if you can save your marriage or not.
Very few hurt spouses will immediately force divorce after the discovery of their husband or wife’s affair.
So, it really comes down to can you and your spouse fix the damage and find out how to prevent from repeating itself and learn to love each other all over again.
But you know what?
At least you have a choice.
My wife left and moved in with another man in a different city. I never had the option because she made the choice for me.
In that regard, you are fortunate to have an option.
Or are you?
Maybe I was the lucky one because I didn’t have to struggle through the back-and-forth indecision.
For you this decision pushes you to the emotional edge because you have no idea what to do.
And that’s why I want to share with you the key to affair survival right now before we go any further.
The Key to Affair Survival … According to ALL the Experts (and Myself)
The key to affair survival is owning your own thoughts, feelings and actions because in the end you cannot control what your spouse does.
The key to affair survival is owning your own thoughts, feelings and actions because in the end you cannot control what your spouse does.
Rona Subotnik L.M.F.T and Gloria Harris PH. D. discuss in their co-authored book Surviving Infidelity: Making Decision, Recovering from the Pain this cognitive approach on what it takes to be a survivor in Chapter 12 page 203.
You do not want to put the power in their hands mostly because they’ve already proven that they do not have your best interests in mind.
This opens the door to a win-win affair survival outcome because no matter what happens you will be in position to rebuild your confidence and find new hope and meaning in life regardless if you save your marriage or not.
But since this blog post relates to how to save your marriage after an affair then let’s look at the key to determine if that is even a possibility.
The Key to Decide If You Can Save Your Marriage After Your Spouse’s Affair
The key to decide if you can save your marriage after the affair is to describe in detail the best-case affair survival outcome for your relationship.
Would you like to feel like you will survive the affair regardless of the outcome? Download a copy of my newest free eBook.
The key to decide if you can save your marriage after the affair is to describe in detail the best-case affair survival outcome for your relationship.
Then gauge if your relationship is headed in that direction.
If you determine that your relationship has a chance to rebuild then you must plan out the strategies and obtain the techniques to succeed to revive the marriage.
This is the essence of choosing to take ownership of your feelings and the situation.
Know exactly (or at least close to it) what the favorable affair survival outcome will look like for you and determine if your relationship and the personalities of both you and your spouse have what it takes to get there.
But you got one big problem that works against you.
And that problem is you’re an emotional wreck.
Why You Struggle to Take Ownership of the Situation
You feel completely stuck right in the middle between giving your marriage a second chance or “throwing in the towel”, don’t you?
Instead of taking an inventory of what you want your survival outcome to mold into and deciding if you can make that happen you instead have no idea what you want.
All you know is that you want the pain to stop and find happiness again.
Every day at least a thousand times you go back and forth in your mind asking yourself the same questions over and over again?
- Why did he/she do it?
- What’s missing in the relationship?
- What’s wrong with me?
- Should I stay or leave?
- Can I forgive him/her?
Then you run through the emotional cycles of indecision where you feel strong and confident like you know what you want to do.
The next day, however, you come crashing down, feel depressed and completely unsure of yourself again.
You look for signs of hope but your main strategy to save your marriage and survive the affair is wait for a miracle which you don’t even know what it looks like.
The problem really is that you want a perfect solution that dodges more demoralizing feelings and seemingly impossible choices.
You are hoping that there is a way to avoid making tough decisions at all costs.
I was there. I remember how it felt. This is not an attack on you it’s just how we respond to affairs or any unforeseen traumatic event that lands in our laps.
Yesterday life was already tough enough and now we have to learn how to deal with a life-changing event that we feel we shouldn’t have to.
“I thought we (my spouse and I) agreed that we’d stick together through sickness and in health till death do us part. So, what happened to that? Was that a big lie?” These are the questions we all ask ourselves.
And once again we circle back around to what we already know we need to do but avoid doing because it is emotionally tough.
The Solution We Already Know but Avoid Doing…
Design a detailed description of both the best and worst-case affair survival outcomes and determine which one we’re most likely headed to.
It’s ironic you wait for a miracle and put your heart in charge of the biggest decision in your life right now and all that is doing is causing more damage to your heart.
You will relive an endless circle of misery until you put your mind in charge and use logic to untie this emotional knot in your head.
Use your logic to determine how you will feel in the future based on today’s situation.
Until you know what outcome makes the most sense for you to continue with your marriage and all the other ones that don’t you will be stuck in sadness.
Once you know these outcomes and start finding the answers to gauge which one you’re headed to then you will find me at least be in position to decide to stay or leave.
Until then you are just riding an emotional merry-go-round always ending up back at the same place that you started.
You need to head in some positive direction, any kind of direction to break free from this pain and then learn to adjust to the outcome you commit to.
And now we finally come to the moment that will change the course of your affair survival journey.
We will run through the exercise of describing both the best and worst-case affair survival outcomes in regards to how to save your marriage.
Save Your Marriage: Figuring Out the Best and Worst-Case Outcomes
There are many different possible outcomes for couples who decide to stay married, but we will only focus on the best and worst-case scenarios.
The action you take now will dictate if this is even possible. Think of it as tending to a garden.
The Garden Analogy
Take care of your garden and all the plants should blossom into exactly into what you want them to look like.
I am not a gardener but I do know that in order for healthy plants to grow to produce vegetables or flowers they need the proper amount of water, sunlight, nutrient-rich soil, the right temperature and protection from varmints and insects that could destroy your garden.
Depending on how carefully you ensure that your garden receives these essential items will determine what your plants look like later.
If you take the proper measures to care for your garden then you should expect to end up with a pretty predictable desirable outcome: healthy ripe and plump tomatoes, peppers or flowers with bright colorful petals, etc.
However, a few missed steps or improper care could result in unhealthy plants. And you can fill in the blank of what an unhealthy plant looks like.
Now I am not describing what leads to the affair, on the other hand, I am describing how to turn your marriage into a beautiful garden or allow it to stay unhealthy.
So, from here on out you either have what it takes to tend to your garden and completely rebuild your marriage into your most desirable finished product or not.
But what does that look like for you?
Luckily for you the best-case outcome is the easiest to figure out.
In my newest free eBook download my newest eBook a“Win-Win Affair Survival: How to Save Your Marriage or Rebuild Your Life Alone” , which you can download your own copy at the bottom of this post, I describe some of the other possible outcomes.
But here let’s just take a look at the best-case affair survival outcome to save your marriage.
What the Best-Case Affair Survival Outcome to Save Your Marriage Looks Like
In my eBook, “Win-Win Affair Survival: How to Save Your Marriage or Rebuild Your Life Alone”, I described the best-case outcome as a Complete Rebuild.
I guess that’s not the most romantic way to call it but it is what best describes the best-case scenario for a marriage to rebound after an affair.
To make this happen there are several factors and variables that both you and your spouse must conduct to successfully achieve this Complete Rebuild in order to save your marriage.
Of course, this will depend on the actions of both you and your spouse. You must work together to make sure the garden flourishes.
Complete Rebuild Description
What It Takes to Achieve This Outcome
The Betrayed Spouse’s Part (You)
I go into more detail in my book, which again you can download at the bottom of this post, but I have created a list below:
- Manage your emotions in order to function on a day-to-day basis while figuring out how to handle the affair.
- Learn how to separate their choice to cheat from your self-worth. Don’t blame yourself for their decision to commit an affair.
- Avoid neediness, don’t beg for them to stay or say that they love you. Find your own power.
- Give yourself permission to grieve.
- Identify and undo negative, self-destructive thoughts.
- Learn to trust in your own ability to take care of yourself.
- Separate your past from your future.
- Remind yourself that your spouse chose to stay with you and not the other person
- Learn to challenge your negative thoughts as they happen.
- Seek a strong desire to feel better.
- Refrain from bashing and attacking your spouse.
- Open the Door: if he or she shows remorse then give them a chance
- Learn successful strategies to confront and interact with your spouse
If you would like the details of how to achieve the above list then please download my newest eBook , “Win-Win Affair Survival: How to Save Your Marriage or Rebuild Your Life Alone” or wait to download it at the bottom of this post after you finish reading it.
Now let’s take a look at what your spouse must do to achieve the best-case affair survival outcome to save your marriage.
What Your Spouse Must Do to Make This Outcome Possible
Of course, you can take all the correct steps and choose the right mental approach, but if your spouse does not take the proper action to earn back your trust or even sincerely want to stay in the relationship then your garden will turn out some pretty abysmal vegetables.
Instead you’ll end up with a number of other outcomes, which I mention in my eBook or perhaps even the worst-case scenario, which we will discuss further down.
But here is what your spouse must do to help save your marriage:
- Completely end the affair, cut off their relationship with their lover and convince you that it’s over.
- Presents you with a heartfelt apology.
- Take responsibility for their choice to cheat. He or she does not blame you for the affair.
- Your spouse does not push you to forgive them quickly and just get over your hurt feelings.
- Your husband/wife must avoid suspicious behavior.
- Become transparent with their past and present actions.
- Fully recommit to save your marriage in actions and words.
- Demonstrate deep remorse and empathy for hurting you.
- Seeks to identify why the affair happened in the first place.
- Demonstrates a true fear of losing you.
- Shows a willingness to seek help either through counseling or reading materials
If the both of you can do your part from the items in each of the above lists then you have a chance to save your marriage.
But until you give your spouse and yourself the chance to fulfill these lists you must wait to decide whether to stay in the marriage or move on alone.
Now it’s important to take a look at the worst-case scenario. To make the best choices for your relationship right now you must know what the most likely outcomes will be.
We’ve already looked at the best-case scenario so now let’s look at the worst-case scenario.
Again, you can read about the descriptions of the other outcomes including rebuilding your life alone in my newest eBook which you can download here or at the bottom of this post.
Worst Case Affair Survival Outcome When Staying Together
I think you know where this is headed. It’s likely the outcome you fear the most and that you thought about a thousand times since you discovered your spouse’s affair.
There comes a time when we must make choices to prevent things from getting worse.
Maybe you’ve already made plenty of tough decisions like these such as:
- Firing an employee.
- Putting a dog to sleep.
- Quitting a job you liked.
- Moving away from home when you don’t want to.
- Throwing out items with sentimental value.
None of these are desirable decisions to make just like deciding what to do with your marriage after an affair. You worked so hard to find the man or woman in your life to love and build a family around and now you stand at a fork in the road deciding whether to stay or leave.
What the Best-Case Affair Survival Outcome to Save Your Marriage Looks Like
You can look anywhere on the internet about how to survive an affair and save your marriage and most will only focus on the two of you staying together and trying to work things out.
Staying together does not mean you survive the affair it just means you did not divorce.
The only thing that should count to save your marriage and truly survive an affair together as a couple is to rebuild the marriage into something that you’re both proud of and perhaps even build a deeper bond together.
Just hanging around each other when you don’t really want to is not a healthy example of your marriage surviving an affair.
It’s more like just getting by and pretending to be married.
Simply put, you if you’re going to go for it and survive together then find a way to rebuild a happy marriage or you’ll both end up miserable.
But I can tell you from the emails I receive and just from the experience around people I know and reading a lot of books and resources on the subject of affairs that many couples who stay together are not happy. Even their children can see it.
So, is this following outcome what you want?
Disdainful Roommates
This does not describe happiness or even a couple attempting to work it out.
This is not what you want.
Again, in my book I describe a few other outcomes but this is an all-too-common outcome for couples who do not take the proper steps to fix their marriage or the cheating spouse has no intention of fixing the relationship they just have nowhere to go right now.
I wrote about why married men who cheat, but actually want out of the relationship, decide to still stick around.
Go check it out if you like it’s called Why Cheating Men Stay Married: 10 Reason They Don’t Leave
I realize what I’ve outlined in this post are not in-depth techniques how to save your marriage after an affair.
My intention was to take a more introductory approach so that you could start to identify the problem of why you feel stuck.
I wanted to give you some hope that there is a way out, but it depends on you taking ownership of your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Deciding what outcome, you want and then what’s the most likely outcome you will achieve given your circumstances and your partner’s past actions.
If you would like to get more in-depth with this discussion then I encourage you to take the next step and download my newest eBook…
Discover the Techniques and Strategies to Achieve the Best-Case Scenario to Save Your Marriage after the Affair
Download My Newest eBook to Find the Answers Now
