In response to the search term “where do male cheaters hide their secret sex” that led a visitor to this post: Simply, all they have to do is rent a motel or hotel room that is located nowhere near anyone they know will pass by. They will pay in cash so that it does not leave a paper trail. OR… they can just go to their lover’s place and use the same standard excuses that they are working OT or hanging with friends. Of course, their GF or wife do NOT know them because if they did then they would ask him about his whereabouts to check on his alibi.

[ATTENTION READERS]

Why do you think a lack of empathy and a narcissistic personality make up the most toxic personality traits of cheaters?

Which is the worst serial cheater trait from this list?

Thank you so much. I try. 🙂 Yes, those little changes add up over time. May I ask, if you could focus on one little change, what would be the most important one?

Glad you enjoyed the article. What comment would you like to post about your blog besides just leaving the link?

Well, it can be illegal depending on your jurisdiction. But if you own the phone that he uses than it likely is not illegal. As far as the app and other ways to catch him cheating digitally you can check out this blog post of mine

If he’s been serial cheating how likely do you think he wants to admit he’s wrong? And even if he did how likely would he stop just because you caught him?

It hurt me to read this because I can feel your emotions. Some people, in this case, men, want two things that conflict 1) the rush and excitement of “falling in lust” 2) the healthy wholesome feeling of having a family. This person probably is not meant to have long-term healthy relationships. It’s likely they’re a narcissist, sociopath, or just not mature and selfish (without clinical designation).

Hello, please tell me what’s going on…

If he doesn’t fear consequences then he will continue to do it, or just find other ways to hide his cheating. Perhaps he is just flirting, which in this case I’d call it microcheating. This is unacceptable behavior if he expects to stay in a relationship with you.

You certainly sound upset. Mind sharing what happened?

Hello,

Thank you for your comment.

I take it that you mean you are considering entering an open relationship. While sounding enticing for some people I do think that there are considerable risks, but this could be an entire blog post, so I will keep it brief. I think we can all figure out what the possible PROs would be so let’s look at the CONs- the entanglement of emotions and lost trust that could result.

1. How would one partner feel if the other seemed to enjoy openly having sex with others, but they themselves didn’t wish to participate? Or even if they did try it but didn’t enjoy it? They would feel on the outside and betrayed. Just because you both “agree” on an open relationship, doesn’t mean that the partner who’s proposed the idea actually wants to do it. They might feel forced out of fear of losing the relationship and possibly the lifestyle they’ve grown accustomed too.
2. Even if you agree on terms how could you possibly maintain the trust that they will be adhered to? Let’s face it, if you ask for an open relationship essentially you are asking for permission to cheat so that you can still remain in the relationship. You’re going to feel tempted to have sex without revealing all the details and your whereabouts. Simply put, you will not want to abide by the restrictions if you enjoy casual sex and you want to expand on your experience to try new things that might be considered off-limits, and you will not want to openly discuss it, thus. you will likely break the rules.
3. You must take the feelings of the outsiders in mind too. Just because they claim to agree to emotionless sex, who’s to say that they do not want more and than attempt to sabotage your relationship. How would you possibly expect someone else to respect a marriage that agrees on an open relationship?
4. The obvious CON, possibility of STDs. Just because you make the rule of using protection doesn’t mean it will happen.

This list could go on, I’d prefer to write a blog post on it then to continue here.

That is NOT to say that it could not work for some, for example, the swinger community. I am pretty sure that it works fine for some of them. My bet is that they are able to compartmentalize the sex with their lover from the emotional connection they feel towards their partner. (They can separate lust from love).

However, when you consider how messy and complex people’s feelings can get, you must consider the risk, including possible violence if someone along the way gets super jealous. Or simply just crushing your partner’s feelings.

So, what does that mean for someone who wants more in their sex life, who wants a more enjoyable experience than what they’re getting, plus the thought that this could be “as good as it gets” forever?

That is one tough question. But I would imagine it begins with a discussion between the couple to determine what each one wants sexually? What’s missing? Also, discuss if they feel shamed into restricting their sexual desires? That’s a major problem too. If one partner’s sexual desire is stronger than the other’s then how do you handle it?

This is a great topic that I should research. Thank you for bringing it up.

What are your thoughts?

Please don’t hold back because I promise you that there are many people on both sides that fear to talk about it, but it needs to be talked about. Our feelings cannot be suppressed.

Looking forward to your reply.

Well, luckily you have me to help. Have you considered a new strategy and more importantly a new mindset?

Yes, it is. One of the serial cheater traits I need to add is Self-Entitlement… selfish, insecure people who do not like to share.

It looks like she doesn’t offer it anymore. I’ll have to reach out to her. But for now, here is what she offers on this page https://www.offlinedatingmethod.com/challenge/. I’ll check if I still have a copy of it to send to you too. You might have to give me a few days. Sorry, I have to stop working now or my GF will kill me. hahaha. Plus, you could get my free 120-page eBook Finding Mr. Right IRL? here’s where to get it… https://orlando800.lpages.co/finding-mr-right-irl/

It sucks to feel ignored, especially when your sex drive goes through the roof. May I ask, when he does engage with you and you feel connected, what are you doing in those moments? Or what kinds of conversations take place? In other words, have you noticed anything he tends to respond favorably to? Touching, showing interest in his passions, asking him for help in something he’s good at, etc?

I sense that this is a fragile topic for you. Would you mind sharing with me what’s on your mind first? I will be able to give you a more thorough response then.

I agree because I have used them on women. But my newsletter subscribers for dating tips are women and they want to learn how to flirt with men in a sexy, dirty way.

What’s one of your favorite sexy texts?

Which serial cheater trait do you think he displays most?

Hello, thank you for leaving a comment. First, know that it’s against the law (at least here in the US) to enter someone else’s phone. But I’ll ask is the phone always in the truck? And what info are you looking for?

In your opinion, what’s a flirty text message us guys would reply to?

I am assuming that you are looking for more evidence since you came to this post on my blog about finding cheating evidence. What kind of evidence have you looked for? And if you found it how would you confront him about it?

What has changed now that makes you feel as if you should have divorced in the 1980s? What made you stay married the first time you discovered her affair?

You’re welcome. Have you tried any of my top 10 flirty text messages from this post?

Great to hear. What are some of the techniques that are working for you to rebuild your broken trust? What are some signs that your spouse still values the relationship?

Sorry to hear that. How did you find out that she was cheating?

My girlfriend gave me great feedback after all of our first few dates. It felt like a report card hahah but it made me feel like I was doing a great job making her happy and paying attention to the details. It trained me to want to keep looking for ways to help her enjoy our time together because I wanted to keep hearing her positive “date reviews”.

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment Winnifred. Learning your own texting style that you can rely on without having to overthink things can certainly help. That’s why I created my own eBook for my subscribers the “Text Goddess Scroll” which contains “fill-in-the-blank-scripts” for you to customize to your own personality and set of circumstances. Thank you for valuing my advice enough to get your own copy. And yes, it’s all about how your texts make him feel about you and having you in his life (and of course vice-versa). You want him to get his attention then have him chase you and do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

Thank you for replying again Mona. First, thank you for sharing your link. I checked it out and will read some more. Finding out your spouse or partner cheated can certainly put a damper on anyone’s outlook on relationships and certainly challenge one’s feelings on love. Those of us who have been cheated on have gone through it at one point. You bring up a great point about “keeping men interested”. So, a couple of things. One, when you run a blog you write for what people search for or not many people will find your blog. You research which search terms people search for on Google. The thing is that terms like “why men pull away”, “keep men interested”, “scare men away”, “why men disappear” are what women are actively searching for. The keyword research tool Jaaxy.com that I use tells me that women search for these terms. Next, primarily my post is meant to explain the answer to the question women Google, which is “Why do men disappear after falling in love/getting close, etc.?” on a deeper level. Practically ALL of my posts on dating tips are designed for women (not men) because I believe women have a healthier outlook on relationships. So, yes, I recommend that women adopt, put in practice and master a strategy of becoming the “prize-to-be-won”. Get the man to value your uniqueness and respect your standards and boundaries and thus you will become a lady of high value to him. And in this way it filters out the non-commital, time-wasting, selfish men. At the same time, relationship-minded men, who know what they want, have specific needs too. So, this is where the two-way street comes in. No matter how attractive and fun you might be, there are certain “non-negotiables” for stronger-minded men that we will not overlook. For example, #5, if I go on a few dates with a woman and do my best to customize the experience to her liking and she does not give me the proper feedback that she appreciates me, at least trying to make her happy, then why would I want to go back out with her? It’s possible, of course, that she did not have a good time and does not want to go out again, OR… that she just is bad with communication OR.. that she feels entitled. Either way, I don’t want to ask her out again. Take #2, this explains that as men we have a primal need to feel like protectors, providers and pleasers. On a date this could simply take the the form of planning the date and showing you a good time, plus treating you like a gentleman. Or even after we start to date and spend more time together, if she seems like she interprets our behavior to offer help as us saying that she cannot help herself, or that we want to make her dependent on us, then this strips many of us of one way we like to feel connected. A relationship-minded and empathetic man would have her best interests in mind and not try to make her feel dependent on him. And yes, when both people are completely compatible, even in emotional areas that are deep beneath the surface, they usually stick together because BOTH fulfilled each other’s needs. I could easily write a post to explain some of the “non-negotiable” needs that MEN do NOT meet that lead to the women disappearing too. But, for now, I do not create much dating content designed for men to read.

Thank you Winnifred for leaving a comment. The key really is to get the guy guessing and wanting to play along. Become mysterious and irresistible to him with playful, flirty, unexpected texts and back-and-forth sequences. Us men love creative flirting. In the end, it just shows that you like us and find us attractive. Winnifred, what’s your best text you ever sent a guy?

And she left one more that I have not approved yet. It makes the other comments look PG-rated. I respect everyone’s opinion. So I am grateful she commented. But again, play with fire and you will get burned. Marriage is for TWO people who believe that together they can make a better life. I believe that you can still make a marriage strong after an affair, but you must believe that the benefits of long-term love conquers any “short-term” side gig. If you would like some help and hope getting past the pain of your affair check out my newest eBook “Win-Win Affair Survival: How to Save Your Marriage or Rebuild Your Life Alone”

I understand many of your points. It can be very challenging to feel excitement towards one person for a very long time. You inevitably will be attracted to other people along the way. Not to mention some partners take their spouses for granted. They begin to assume that just because the two are married that they can stop practicing good manners, they become disrespectful and resentful. Afterwards neither chooses to seek counseling or any kind of help. So the problems persist… or get worse. But either way this is a team. Teams win together and they lose together. When you got married you decided to create a team and then perhaps add to that team by raising children. Choosing to “go play for another team” could end up breaking up the team you signed up for. There’s a reason why someone sneaks behind their partners back to cheat. They don’t want to risk losing the benefits of what their “family team” brings them. Maybe it’s financial security, companionship of their spouse’s family members, a sense of wholeness by having kids, etc. It could be a lot of things. And someone who has an affair does not want to risk losing these benefits. Therefore, they do not want to get caught. So they benefit from both relationships. They get the ones I previously mentioned (plus others) in the marriage and then in the affair they receive: sexual compatibility, sense of manhood/womanhood, something new and exciting, the attention to details that their lover gives them that their spouse does not, etc. This is where the phrase “having your cake and eating too” comes to mind. Once the spouse discovers the affair (which is highly likely if it lasts a while) then it most likely will dissolve “the marriage team”- no more safety net. Then you most likely will never have long-term, out-in-the-open relationship with your lover either. Basically, you broke the rules of “the team” and decided to change the rule book without consulting your teammate (your spouse) and have created a new set of problems that probably will not have solutions. Solving one problem by creating another is not good strategy. The problems you mention with marriage are part of the risk of getting married. Get help or get out. But do not crush a bunch of other people’s lives because your own personal needs are not met. Some affairs take place partly because the cheating spouse wants to get revenge for their spouse’s neglect or mistreatment. That’s excessive. Again, what happened to working as a team? Figuring out a solution. FIRST you must do everything possible to fix whatever problem you have in the marriage. INCLUDING telling them that if this doesn’t get fixed then you can’t stay married. Get divorced, but don’t try to make things right for yourself by cheating AND keeping your marriage. Honestly this ruins people’s lives and then you go on with this black cloud hanging over your head. You don’t want to admit to potential future mates that you cheated and it feels awkward hiding it. And here’s a test… Imagine a cheating spouse admit the affair to their husband/wife and then advise them to have an affair too in order to even the playing field. Could you imagine the husband in this case taking her up on the offer? He always wanted to screw a blond so he finds one on a hookup site. How awkward would that family end up feeling later? How long would this marriage last before other issues start popping up? (I feel like I should write a post about this)

Does your friend not fear what her husband might do if he finds out that he is not the father (assuming she does get pregnant)? Do you think by tricking the husband into thinking that he is the father that it is playing with fire? Even a nice guy could get violent in rage and revenge. May I ask do you think that it is even a possibility that it could happen?

I appreciate your honesty and thank you for leaving a reply Janelle. What happened that he did not give you the attention you deserved? What did he do?

Rachel thank you for the thoughtful comment. Mostly by his responses. Does he reciprocate what you do? Does he text back, does he come up to you and talk, smile at you, tease you back, does he get within close range? These signs tell a girl that he is fine with what she is doing. What does his body language say? Does he turn and look away? If a woman thinks that she creeps a guy out then she may just be honest and put the ball in his court by letting him choose, “I respect your space and time. You make me laugh and smile and I’d like to hang out sometime. If you would too then message me and we’ll go have a good time. Bye for now.” I think we like the attention and admiration regardless if she comes across as a creepy woman and when says “goodbye” it makes me want to give her a chance and ….it’s kind of a turn on. 🙂

I understand how you would feel Lillian. How could you feel completely safe after he said you no longer fit his needs? May I ask, have you challenged him to give you what you need? Now it’s your turn, right? I plan to write more posts for the cheating spouse who wants to fix the marriage. In fact, here is one Rebuilding Broken Trust: Steps Cheating Spouses MUST Take to Save Marriage.

I am so sorry for the late reply. It turns out my comments system has been pushing ALL my comments to the trash folder. Social media is easy to hide for a while, but can also backfire on the cheater. This happened to me where my now ex-wife created a secret Instagram account and she took pictures with him and posted them all over the account. They had mutual friends together. I’d bet those friends did not even know that I existed. A person who had previously worked with both of us told me that she had seen pics of my ex on her feed with some other guy, like in one of those “Do you know this person” pop ups. If it hadn’t been for this other person telling me then I do not know how long it would have lasted until I caught her. The problem now for you could be that he will be extra careful hiding any traces of cheating. You can create social media accounts under any name you want and it is very easy in general to digitally cheat, at least for a while, until you get lazy and make a mistake.

I am so sorry for not responding to this comment earlier. The truth is that it seems that my back end system is preventing all comments from getting through. I had to look in the trash bin to find them all. Sorry again. I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but your response is somewhat typical to the emails I receive. So do not feel alone. Your husband appears to have the traits of a serial cheater. He has no idea why he does it because the emotional issues that lead to his decision to cheat run so deep that he does not even see them. Most likely his self-esteem is very low, he needs the attention to validate his own self-worth. He has strung along all these other women too, making them feel important. No doubt he told them all sob stories of what he was missing in his relationship with you. And they all fell for it. But now he gets to “have his cake and eat it too” by staying with you in a safe life where he has a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in. And the sad part is I would predict that this is not over. And if he doesn’t stop what will you do? Unless he sees the problem lies within himself and wants to seek help to fix his own issues then you will live these nightmares forever. My question to him would be why do you want to stay married? What do you get out of it? Why do you want to stop cheating? Please keep safe and think for yourself. You may be standing at a fork in the road in which both paths lead to something uncomfortable. Which path leads to some kind of peace at the end?

Mike I apologize for the late reply. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with my comments system. Turns out I had to look in another spot in my site’s back end to find them. Thank you for sharing. Cheating can become an addiction for some based on the character issues I’ve listed here in this post. I recently created a new post specifically for betrayed husbands dealing with serial cheating wives. Thank you for taking responsibility for the issues that you believe propelled you to cheat. Most people who cheat do not intend to hurt others, as crazy as that sounds. Instead they justify their actions and do not see that they have a problem with deep voids in their own lives.

Your welcome Chloe. Sorry didn’t notice you posted this earlier.

What specific evidence did you find and how did you present it to him?

So sorry about that. I don’t know, but I will look into it.

This is a topic dear to my heart too. Sorry, I will create a contact page but here is my email orlando@infidelityfirstaidit.com Feel free to email me personally. I would love to hear from you and anyone else that has something on their mind.

I will personally call you if you’d like. If you are comfortable with that. It’s just that it would be difficult to post because there is so much to say. If you are not comfortable with speaking with me on the phone than we can email each other back and forth. You know I accidentally found a text conversation between my wife and some strange guy. I can start by telling you what I did.

Here’s my email: orlando@infidelityfirstaidkit.com

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I really am, but we’ll get through this if you can promise to be strong. Only the strong survive infidelity.
Orlando C.

I’m doing my best. My objective is to bring to the surface the ugly topics and thoughts no one wants to touch. No one can heal without facing the problems. Relationships in general is a very touchy subject to me, and infidelity in marriage touches home with me in more ways than one. I believe affairs are getting to be more common than ever before. That really sucks.

What has happened to your little brother? How could my site be of use to him? Please tell.