Will he cheat again? You have scoured the internet looking for the answer to the two questions that drives almost all of us betrayed spouses to the brink ...
Orlando
Midlife divorce recovery is tough, ugh. You slide right into your 40s (or rocket towards them). It's bad enough to worry about the normal concerns at this ...
What is a serial cheater? Hello everyone this is Orlando again, Owner of this site. A serial cheater is what I refer to as people who are addicted to ...
Fear of intimacy may not be a sign he (she) has a fear of commitment to be with you, but it could. It also could be a sign of something scarier, an experience ...
Low self-esteem may be the real underlying problem of your husband’s (wife’s) affair or could turn into one later. Your husband’s (wife’s) dependence on you ...
What do a risk taker, a public person with power and status and infidelity have in common? Do successful people love to cheat? Is there really a Cheating ...
Lack of empathy has no place in your relationship. It drives many married people through all the stop signs that crash your relationship into an affair. A ...
Is compulsive sexuality one of the major serial cheater profile traits your spouses struggles with? Does your spouse get bored easily? Does she need ...
How would you react if your spouse cheated a second time and showed no remorse about how it affected your life? Do cheaters feel remorse? And what does it ...
So the big question you're asking yourself right now, can your office friendship turn into a full-blown affair? I will never forget the day I decided to ...
If your spouse is living or working in another city it is easy to get nervous about them being involved in a long distance affair, isn't it? While you are home ...
Online Affairs: 3 Warning Signs! How dangerous is an online affair to your relationship? Let's look at it. The greatest threat to a couple’s relationship ...
Reading books gives you valuable tips to surviving infidelity. Overcoming the pain that infidelity causes can be a long lonely road. Shock, disbelief, ...
"Will I survive the affair? Can I end this misery?" You’ve probably all asked yourselves this, haven't you? I’ve been there. I wondered how I would ...
Need Evidence? You suspect your husband or wife is cheating? I’m here to help. My misfortune and bad choice to date a married woman in the past gave me ...
Enough is enough, no more lies, it's time to look into those spy gadgets you've seen in the 007 movies. Are the thoughts and images of your lying, ...
To set a trap in order to catch our cheating spouses in their lies we must first understand our objectives. Our goal is first to identify red flags of ...
Ouch, you feel a sharp, simmering pinch- you’ve been bitten by infidelity so how will you survive the affair? The emotional pain from an affair is nothing ...
Does true love exist? Despite your husband’s (or wife's) emotional affair, can you repair your relationship? Does true love exist? Can you repair your ...
In response to the search term “where do male cheaters hide their secret sex” that led a visitor to this post: Simply, all they have to do is rent a motel or hotel room that is located nowhere near anyone they know will pass by. They will pay in cash so that it does not leave a paper trail. OR… they can just go to their lover’s place and use the same standard excuses that they are working OT or hanging with friends. Of course, their GF or wife do NOT know them because if they did then they would ask him about his whereabouts to check on his alibi.
BTW guys check out this awesome article I just found: 16 Ways to Deal with Toxic People http://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-16-practical-powerful-ways-to-deal-with-them/
[ATTENTION READERS]
Why do you think a lack of empathy and a narcissistic personality make up the most toxic personality traits of cheaters?
[LADIES] What one attribute about a man will you absolutely NOT COMPROMISE on?
Which is the worst serial cheater trait from this list?
Thank you Lubbock, Texas :). My main goal is to offer information, insight and tips that my readers want and need. So one of these days I will create a poll or survey to get an idea what else I can do to be useful to you all.
Thank you so much. I try. 🙂 Yes, those little changes add up over time. May I ask, if you could focus on one little change, what would be the most important one?
Sorry, about the delay. I strongly suggest using BLUEHOST.COM for your hosting. It is inexpensive, offers the domain name and many other services I use including my professional email for this site ( orlando@infidelityfirstaidkit.com ). It does load pretty fast, which is ideal.
Glad you enjoyed the article. What comment would you like to post about your blog besides just leaving the link?
Classic! Of course us men like that one.
Well, it can be illegal depending on your jurisdiction. But if you own the phone that he uses than it likely is not illegal. As far as the app and other ways to catch him cheating digitally you can check out this blog post of mine
It’s tough when you feel your partner getting cold emotionally. What you describe sounded like my ex and the person for whom I launched this site. She would get real protective of her phone. It won’t be easy to get a confession as who really wants to come out and admit they cheated. So either continue to look for evidence by following the advice from my blog posts. If you are concerned about continuing in the relationship then you should have a heart-to-heart convo with her about how she’s been feeling cold emotionally and how she feels about your relationship together. If you’re concerned about her just admitting that she is cheating and not just trying to weasel her way out the relationship without at least admitting to why she wants out then again try some of the tips from my site. Cross reference some pics of her online to see if some social media photos pop up with her and someone else. Look through her posts to see if she comments or tags someone else. Or even check her friends posts to see if she pops up there. If you find some social media pics via an image search try to figure out whose account they’re published on. If your account is blocked from it then create another FB or IG account with a fake name to sift through their account (assuming they allow anyone to see the info and photos). If you can pin down a name of someone then sift through their account and even find out what the possible link is to them and your partner (work, ex, gym, etc). BUT ABOVE ALL keep your emotions in check because finding out your partner is cheating can bring us to anger and make us do things that later we regret. Stay safe, please. Sooner or later you will find out the truth. Cheaters get lazy and cannot cover all their tracks.
If he’s been serial cheating how likely do you think he wants to admit he’s wrong? And even if he did how likely would he stop just because you caught him?
Hello, sorry about that. Please send it to infidelityfirstaidkit@gmail.com. I need to fix my other email address.
It hurt me to read this because I can feel your emotions. Some people, in this case, men, want two things that conflict 1) the rush and excitement of “falling in lust” 2) the healthy wholesome feeling of having a family. This person probably is not meant to have long-term healthy relationships. It’s likely they’re a narcissist, sociopath, or just not mature and selfish (without clinical designation).
I think it’s a case-by-case basis. It will unearth useful information for some and not as much for others. My cheating ex-wife’s photos posted to secondary social media accounts would come up with a search on Truthfinder or similar sites even to this day and that happened several years ago now, for example. If the affair partner paid for a phone number so they could communicate more easily then this could also pop up in the search. Plus, keep in mind, new evidence could pop up as the affair lingers on. But there is no guarantee you will find what you are looking for with these searches. Either way, you may have to do some digging and piecing together the evidence you do find to get to the truth.
Hello, please tell me what’s going on…
I think he sees you as a safe-haven. You will be there when the times are rough (as a good partner should), but he finds an escape through cheating, an escape from his life’s struggles, perhaps an alternative escape other than the one drugs provide. There’s something still there that he confides in you about. And I believe there’s something there that connects you to him. What do you feel still bonds you to him?
If he doesn’t fear consequences then he will continue to do it, or just find other ways to hide his cheating. Perhaps he is just flirting, which in this case I’d call it microcheating. This is unacceptable behavior if he expects to stay in a relationship with you.
He sounds like he doesn’t fear any consequences. Plus, it sounds like you both just kind of rolled with it and went out without addressing your pain.
You certainly sound upset. Mind sharing what happened?
Hello. What kind of help are you looking for?
Hello,
Thank you for your comment.
I take it that you mean you are considering entering an open relationship. While sounding enticing for some people I do think that there are considerable risks, but this could be an entire blog post, so I will keep it brief. I think we can all figure out what the possible PROs would be so let’s look at the CONs- the entanglement of emotions and lost trust that could result.
This list could go on, I’d prefer to write a blog post on it then to continue here.
That is NOT to say that it could not work for some, for example, the swinger community. I am pretty sure that it works fine for some of them. My bet is that they are able to compartmentalize the sex with their lover from the emotional connection they feel towards their partner. (They can separate lust from love).
However, when you consider how messy and complex people’s feelings can get, you must consider the risk, including possible violence if someone along the way gets super jealous. Or simply just crushing your partner’s feelings.
So, what does that mean for someone who wants more in their sex life, who wants a more enjoyable experience than what they’re getting, plus the thought that this could be “as good as it gets” forever?
That is one tough question. But I would imagine it begins with a discussion between the couple to determine what each one wants sexually? What’s missing? Also, discuss if they feel shamed into restricting their sexual desires? That’s a major problem too. If one partner’s sexual desire is stronger than the other’s then how do you handle it?
This is a great topic that I should research. Thank you for bringing it up.
What are your thoughts?
Please don’t hold back because I promise you that there are many people on both sides that fear to talk about it, but it needs to be talked about. Our feelings cannot be suppressed.
Looking forward to your reply.
You won’t know much about a man until you’ve talked with a man at least a few times. Of course, if he’s rude or disrespectful, then he doesn’t deserve a chance. Let’s talk via email about this. I sent an email yesterday, that you can respond to.
Well, luckily you have me to help. Have you considered a new strategy and more importantly a new mindset?
Actually, I think Camille and I miscommunicated. I found where she stills offers the Dating App Detox. Here’s the link to the page to get her Dating App Detox. https://www.masterofflinedating.com/secrets-of-offline-dating/ Keep scrolling down until the opt-in box pops up.
Yes, it is. One of the serial cheater traits I need to add is Self-Entitlement… selfish, insecure people who do not like to share.
I agree. I always enjoyed meeting women IRL situations, part of being a guy and the thrill of the approach ha,ha. Plus, it’s just more romantic, right? So, I want to help relationship-seeking women find relationship-seeking men. You never know where or when you will meet the RIGHT man for you. So, be prepared at any moment. In my eBook I suggest ways that we as men like you to show us “the green light” to increase the odds that we will approach you. We like the chase but we do NOT like feeling like creeps when a woman gives us that look that says, “Eww, why are you talking to me? Get away from me.” We want a little challenge but we want to know that we have a good chance of winning your affection. BTW Camille told me that she stopped offering the Detox eBook at the start of the pandemic because it seemed awkward to promote ways to meet people IRL with most of the country being in lockdown. She might offer it again in the future. Here in Florida, many people are still going out (in SAFE ways too, do not believe the hype of the news- but yes, there are some dummies out there too not acting safely). I still think you can meet men IRL even now. Heidi check your email, I’m going to mail you something.
It looks like she doesn’t offer it anymore. I’ll have to reach out to her. But for now, here is what she offers on this page https://www.offlinedatingmethod.com/challenge/. I’ll check if I still have a copy of it to send to you too. You might have to give me a few days. Sorry, I have to stop working now or my GF will kill me. hahaha. Plus, you could get my free 120-page eBook Finding Mr. Right IRL? here’s where to get it… https://orlando800.lpages.co/finding-mr-right-irl/
Sounds like you have a lot of feelings tied into this relationship. It certainly looks like you bend over backward for him, regretfully, it does not look like it’s getting the response that you want. At the same time, something that DOES look promising is that he has stuck around and that he still has sex and showers with you. Yet, it looks like you are the pleaser in the relationship- you give, he takes, and does not give much back. I can tell you as a man, when a woman assumes this role and gives so much it can get annoying at times, if you don’t mind me being direct. I know this sounds counterintuitive and even unfair, but it’s just human psychology. He talked to the woman from high school, she seems out of reach (not that he’s going to do anything about it though), something he cannot and will not have. One of the most effective ways to effectively coexist with men is to make us chase and strike fear in us that we might lose you. No matter how tough or even indifferent a man can act around a woman, EVERY man is scared to death of ending up alone and irrelevant in the world. Getting a man to chase means to make him work to earn your affection, attention and to value the fact that you CHOOSE to spend time with him. But you have to do it in the right way or it looks like you don’t mean it and he doesn’t believe it and instead are just acting in order to get a response. Then we just get more annoyed and lose respect for you. I write about this A LOT in my relationship content (non-infidelity content) in this blog and my Understanding Men Secrets Newsletter.
It sucks to feel ignored, especially when your sex drive goes through the roof. May I ask, when he does engage with you and you feel connected, what are you doing in those moments? Or what kinds of conversations take place? In other words, have you noticed anything he tends to respond favorably to? Touching, showing interest in his passions, asking him for help in something he’s good at, etc?
An “open relationship” means that you and your partner give each other permission to have sex with other people outside of the relationship. My opinion is that is playing with fire. There are many unpredictable things that could happen and cause lots of emotional harm as well as potential domestic violence.
I sense that this is a fragile topic for you. Would you mind sharing with me what’s on your mind first? I will be able to give you a more thorough response then.
I applaud you for the courage of bringing up that are indeed multiple sides of the story. What happens today is a result of what happened yesterday. How we feel today is a result of the events that led up to today. Nothing happens just because. People don’t just suddenly have a change of heart for no reason.
I agree because I have used them on women. But my newsletter subscribers for dating tips are women and they want to learn how to flirt with men in a sexy, dirty way.
What’s one of your favorite sexy texts?
And that’s just it. You will likely always be wondering where he is and who he is with. It’s tough to deal with. You wonder why you can’t have a normal relationship like others. But many other relationships are not as perfect as they seem either. If you decide to leave, it will take time to heal but you will start to feel better.
Which serial cheater trait do you think he displays most?
Well, if you want the truth. Men, whether Christian or not, are human and still going to fall into temptation. Unfortunately, it happens. They’re still going to look at porn (even if they ARE intimate with you). Porn satisfies lust, not love. What’s hard to accept is when the image you have of that person (Christian, wholesome, supposed to make decisions based on wisdom and virtues) conflicts with decisions they make (fall into the very temptations that they claim to guard themselves against). May I ask you, if you could get intimate with him how likely would you (on a scale of 1 -10: 10 equals YES!) have sex with him again? Or do you feel your pain pertains more to the corruption of the aforementioned virtues?
Hello, thank you for leaving a comment. First, know that it’s against the law (at least here in the US) to enter someone else’s phone. But I’ll ask is the phone always in the truck? And what info are you looking for?
It is hard to stomach that your spouse most likely was justifying cheating to the Other Person by complaining how rough it was with you. I know it’s tough right now but you spend time on yourself right now grieving and then giving yourself time to think about what you want to do. No matter what happens you’ll find out that you are a lot stronger than you realize. You will find a way to survive. It will become much more clear later. Affair survival means something different for each person. It’s your own unique way to cope with life after the affair. I want this to be a Win-Win survival situation (my free eBook) for you.
In your opinion, what’s a flirty text message us guys would reply to?
I’ll approve your commment, but posting to a cheater board site such as this brings high risk lawfully, physically just to mention a few for both people involved in the relationship.
I am assuming that you are looking for more evidence since you came to this post on my blog about finding cheating evidence. What kind of evidence have you looked for? And if you found it how would you confront him about it?
Eventually technology works against cheaters. They cannot continue to cover their tracks forever. They get lazy. Do you feel that he still cares about you?
What has changed now that makes you feel as if you should have divorced in the 1980s? What made you stay married the first time you discovered her affair?
Wow! That’s the first time I heard of catching a cheating spouse like that. Do you have any other evidence that he was having an affair with this woman? If so, was the friend that he sent a pic of covering for your husband’s alibi?
You’re welcome. Have you tried any of my top 10 flirty text messages from this post?
Thank you for the kind words and for visiting my site. What is your favorite idea from this blog post? Have you tried any?
Great to hear. What are some of the techniques that are working for you to rebuild your broken trust? What are some signs that your spouse still values the relationship?
That is very similar to the message I found on my ex-cheating wife’s phone. It’s hard for us men when we discover our women have cheated. There are many reasons that could explain why married women cheat. Why do you suppose that she did?
Sorry to hear that. How did you find out that she was cheating?
He wants you to make the right choice for yourself. If your husband continues to cheat then chances are he will not stop. How will that affect your children? Do they know notice the friction between you two?
My girlfriend gave me great feedback after all of our first few dates. It felt like a report card hahah but it made me feel like I was doing a great job making her happy and paying attention to the details. It trained me to want to keep looking for ways to help her enjoy our time together because I wanted to keep hearing her positive “date reviews”.
Cute! Good job making him feel special and like you are the prize to be won and that he successfully earned the right to receive texts from you during a time that normally you are not permitted to be on your phone.
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment Winnifred. Learning your own texting style that you can rely on without having to overthink things can certainly help. That’s why I created my own eBook for my subscribers the “Text Goddess Scroll” which contains “fill-in-the-blank-scripts” for you to customize to your own personality and set of circumstances. Thank you for valuing my advice enough to get your own copy. And yes, it’s all about how your texts make him feel about you and having you in his life (and of course vice-versa). You want him to get his attention then have him chase you and do whatever it takes to keep you happy.
Again thank you for leaving a comment Mona. I actually only have one post on dating tips for men. I wish you the best with your blog and anyone reading the comments here can see your link and click it to go view your content. After reading your comments I decided to go back and re-read the post AND make adjustments to it because I definitely do NOT want women to devalue themselves for men. On the contrary, I want them to choose to only spend their time with men who make them feel appreciated and respect them. A few years after I launched my blog I decided to split the content into two main niches: understanding and processing the pain and happenings of affairs; and then relationship and dating advice/insight into the male mind. While many posts are more light-hearted and entertaining some are designed to take a deeper look into how men think. There are many different angles: some of what not to do to avoid pain and others on what to do to get a man to give you his full attention and respect. I do not like seeing women get hurt and would prefer to keep them out of harm’s way and also help them find the right compatible guy for them. I receive many emails from heart-broken wives trying to make sense of why their husband cheated. The topics of love and relationships can be fragile and stir up a lot of raw emotion. I appreciate your opinions and time to leave a comment. Thank you and I wish you the best with your blog and journey to find peace.
Thank you for replying again Mona. First, thank you for sharing your link. I checked it out and will read some more. Finding out your spouse or partner cheated can certainly put a damper on anyone’s outlook on relationships and certainly challenge one’s feelings on love. Those of us who have been cheated on have gone through it at one point. You bring up a great point about “keeping men interested”. So, a couple of things. One, when you run a blog you write for what people search for or not many people will find your blog. You research which search terms people search for on Google. The thing is that terms like “why men pull away”, “keep men interested”, “scare men away”, “why men disappear” are what women are actively searching for. The keyword research tool Jaaxy.com that I use tells me that women search for these terms. Next, primarily my post is meant to explain the answer to the question women Google, which is “Why do men disappear after falling in love/getting close, etc.?” on a deeper level. Practically ALL of my posts on dating tips are designed for women (not men) because I believe women have a healthier outlook on relationships. So, yes, I recommend that women adopt, put in practice and master a strategy of becoming the “prize-to-be-won”. Get the man to value your uniqueness and respect your standards and boundaries and thus you will become a lady of high value to him. And in this way it filters out the non-commital, time-wasting, selfish men. At the same time, relationship-minded men, who know what they want, have specific needs too. So, this is where the two-way street comes in. No matter how attractive and fun you might be, there are certain “non-negotiables” for stronger-minded men that we will not overlook. For example, #5, if I go on a few dates with a woman and do my best to customize the experience to her liking and she does not give me the proper feedback that she appreciates me, at least trying to make her happy, then why would I want to go back out with her? It’s possible, of course, that she did not have a good time and does not want to go out again, OR… that she just is bad with communication OR.. that she feels entitled. Either way, I don’t want to ask her out again. Take #2, this explains that as men we have a primal need to feel like protectors, providers and pleasers. On a date this could simply take the the form of planning the date and showing you a good time, plus treating you like a gentleman. Or even after we start to date and spend more time together, if she seems like she interprets our behavior to offer help as us saying that she cannot help herself, or that we want to make her dependent on us, then this strips many of us of one way we like to feel connected. A relationship-minded and empathetic man would have her best interests in mind and not try to make her feel dependent on him. And yes, when both people are completely compatible, even in emotional areas that are deep beneath the surface, they usually stick together because BOTH fulfilled each other’s needs. I could easily write a post to explain some of the “non-negotiable” needs that MEN do NOT meet that lead to the women disappearing too. But, for now, I do not create much dating content designed for men to read.
Thank you Mona for replying. No, regretfully, unfaithfulness is not uncommon. It might be hidden, but it is pretty rabid. I receive a number of emails detailing experiences that you’d swear come right out of the movies. In regards to your original comment, please understand that each of my posts comes from a specific viewpoint, even if I do a poor job explaining that specific viewpoint. While relationships are a two-way street, we still seek to have our own needs met first. Men, whether respectful or selfish, have needs they want met and regretfully often enough we do not express what they are. This post is NOT designed for women who have been cheated on, rather those who have started to date someone and the guy suddenly ghosted them or simply decided that he was no longer interested. Would you like me to read your blog Mona? Perhaps I could have you do a Guest Post on mine. I could help you get additional traffic and exposure to what you have already gained yourself. What’s its URL?
Thank you Winnifred for leaving a comment. The key really is to get the guy guessing and wanting to play along. Become mysterious and irresistible to him with playful, flirty, unexpected texts and back-and-forth sequences. Us men love creative flirting. In the end, it just shows that you like us and find us attractive. Winnifred, what’s your best text you ever sent a guy?
Thank you for leaving your comment Mona. Actually I agree with you. There are definitely times that the wrong men, who are emotionally unavailable, will not commit, no matter what. When this happens I’d just say that the two of you are not completely compatible, otherwise, he would want to stick around. These 5 reasons are just 5 of many. My reasons come from my own personal experience watching my male friends or other guys, some of my own experience and also based on what some well-known dating coaches say. The point of the post is to share our most inner emotional needs as men, no holding back, no sugar-coating. Truthfully, I take the woman’s side more than not because I think women have much healthier intentions in relationships. Now realize this is coming from me who launched this blog because my ex-wife decided to leave unannounced to move in with a guy she barely knew in another city. I have met MANY selfish women, but I still choose to keep an open mind and take people on a case-by-case basis. All that experience meant for me was that what they wanted was not the same that I wanted. Looks like you run a website. Do you write about relationships?
And she left one more that I have not approved yet. It makes the other comments look PG-rated. I respect everyone’s opinion. So I am grateful she commented. But again, play with fire and you will get burned. Marriage is for TWO people who believe that together they can make a better life. I believe that you can still make a marriage strong after an affair, but you must believe that the benefits of long-term love conquers any “short-term” side gig. If you would like some help and hope getting past the pain of your affair check out my newest eBook “Win-Win Affair Survival: How to Save Your Marriage or Rebuild Your Life Alone”
Wow! She posted everything on FB? Like what kinds of things did she post? And what kind of recorder did you place in your room? Was it voice-activated?
I understand many of your points. It can be very challenging to feel excitement towards one person for a very long time. You inevitably will be attracted to other people along the way. Not to mention some partners take their spouses for granted. They begin to assume that just because the two are married that they can stop practicing good manners, they become disrespectful and resentful. Afterwards neither chooses to seek counseling or any kind of help. So the problems persist… or get worse. But either way this is a team. Teams win together and they lose together. When you got married you decided to create a team and then perhaps add to that team by raising children. Choosing to “go play for another team” could end up breaking up the team you signed up for. There’s a reason why someone sneaks behind their partners back to cheat. They don’t want to risk losing the benefits of what their “family team” brings them. Maybe it’s financial security, companionship of their spouse’s family members, a sense of wholeness by having kids, etc. It could be a lot of things. And someone who has an affair does not want to risk losing these benefits. Therefore, they do not want to get caught. So they benefit from both relationships. They get the ones I previously mentioned (plus others) in the marriage and then in the affair they receive: sexual compatibility, sense of manhood/womanhood, something new and exciting, the attention to details that their lover gives them that their spouse does not, etc. This is where the phrase “having your cake and eating too” comes to mind. Once the spouse discovers the affair (which is highly likely if it lasts a while) then it most likely will dissolve “the marriage team”- no more safety net. Then you most likely will never have long-term, out-in-the-open relationship with your lover either. Basically, you broke the rules of “the team” and decided to change the rule book without consulting your teammate (your spouse) and have created a new set of problems that probably will not have solutions. Solving one problem by creating another is not good strategy. The problems you mention with marriage are part of the risk of getting married. Get help or get out. But do not crush a bunch of other people’s lives because your own personal needs are not met. Some affairs take place partly because the cheating spouse wants to get revenge for their spouse’s neglect or mistreatment. That’s excessive. Again, what happened to working as a team? Figuring out a solution. FIRST you must do everything possible to fix whatever problem you have in the marriage. INCLUDING telling them that if this doesn’t get fixed then you can’t stay married. Get divorced, but don’t try to make things right for yourself by cheating AND keeping your marriage. Honestly this ruins people’s lives and then you go on with this black cloud hanging over your head. You don’t want to admit to potential future mates that you cheated and it feels awkward hiding it. And here’s a test… Imagine a cheating spouse admit the affair to their husband/wife and then advise them to have an affair too in order to even the playing field. Could you imagine the husband in this case taking her up on the offer? He always wanted to screw a blond so he finds one on a hookup site. How awkward would that family end up feeling later? How long would this marriage last before other issues start popping up? (I feel like I should write a post about this)
Janelle I very much appreciate your honesty and openness. This certainly gives another angle to extramarital affairs. I’ve never had anyone write in with this particular opinion. So thank you. I don’t agree with it, but I am very eager to keep hearing your side. It is playing with fire and fires are unpredictable. It get too hot to handle and everyone could get burned. Yes, while laws are meant to protect they don’t stop violence from happening. I don’t want anyone to get physically hurt. I completely get what you’re saying about the marriage getting stale and boring, but the marriage is his too. And now a decision is being made for him that will affect his life too without him getting a say in it. Most people would ask, “Why not just get help if the marriage is so bad right now or at least get divorced instead of proactively seek an affair?” So I would like to propose that question to you. And also what happens when Adam and your friend fall in love, but cannot be together? Don’t you think that creates a whole set of other problems? Again thank you very much for you honesty. Every one has the right to express themselves and seek someone who will listen. And I am here listening.
Does your friend not fear what her husband might do if he finds out that he is not the father (assuming she does get pregnant)? Do you think by tricking the husband into thinking that he is the father that it is playing with fire? Even a nice guy could get violent in rage and revenge. May I ask do you think that it is even a possibility that it could happen?
Janelle, thank you for responding to my reply. It certainly looks like you have a lot on your mind. It takes courage to admit you had an affair. I admit in my posts on my blog that I also had an affair during my first marriage and was seeing a married woman. My personal view towards having an affair differs from yours though (I wish I had not done it), and yet I still value your opinion very much. Life can certainly suck and get stale. Sometimes you wonder, “Is this as good as it is going to get?” And that is one helpless and hopeless feeling. May I ask you this… if you had your wish, and that wish would come true…which would you rather have: 1) find and unite with the love of your life, 2) be financially independent, or 3) feel happy (no matter what the situation) and not feel a need to acquire much of anything else?
I appreciate your honesty and thank you for leaving a reply Janelle. What happened that he did not give you the attention you deserved? What did he do?
Great question Lana. I like it! Body language. A woman’s biggest asset is her smile. Some men may say otherwise, but they fall for her smile every time. Hold eye contact and smile. Make him feel good about something that he probably takes pride in. Laugh at his joke and tell him he’s so funny. I can tell a girl likes me by how often she makes eye contact, smiles, suddenly gets quiet when I get close and look at her. I wrote a detailed post on body language and how woman can use it to grab a guy’s attention. Please check it out and share your opinion. Would love to hear what you have to say.
Rachel thank you for the thoughtful comment. Mostly by his responses. Does he reciprocate what you do? Does he text back, does he come up to you and talk, smile at you, tease you back, does he get within close range? These signs tell a girl that he is fine with what she is doing. What does his body language say? Does he turn and look away? If a woman thinks that she creeps a guy out then she may just be honest and put the ball in his court by letting him choose, “I respect your space and time. You make me laugh and smile and I’d like to hang out sometime. If you would too then message me and we’ll go have a good time. Bye for now.” I think we like the attention and admiration regardless if she comes across as a creepy woman and when says “goodbye” it makes me want to give her a chance and ….it’s kind of a turn on. 🙂
You’re welcome Lana. I welcome all relationship bloggers to guest post on my blog with good content that can help my viewers. I believe that there is a possible relation between people dating and marrying incompatible partners which can lead to future affairs. It’s a topic I would love to explore and write more about. So many of us (me included) rush into relationships because we fall in love with the idea of falling in love. We get trapped into the false belief that commonality and attraction with someone means that we are in love. But your guest post here digs into the deeper issues of relating to a partner. Great job!
I understand how you would feel Lillian. How could you feel completely safe after he said you no longer fit his needs? May I ask, have you challenged him to give you what you need? Now it’s your turn, right? I plan to write more posts for the cheating spouse who wants to fix the marriage. In fact, here is one Rebuilding Broken Trust: Steps Cheating Spouses MUST Take to Save Marriage.
Yep, that’s what I thought too. Just remember that he chose to cheat. And his affair with the younger, incompatible girl is not based on true love, just lust. I wouldn’t doubt that he is struggling from his fears of getting older and feeling like life is slipping past him. And for all we know she could have flirted with him awfully hard. Is that a reason to cheat? No, absolutely not. The question in my mind is did he put himself in a situation of temptation and stay there? I will not lie, when an attractive female hits on you then it feels good to be found attractive, but as a married man you have to know where the fires are and to stay away. He could have been giving her signals to advance too. Sometimes friendly banter can turn sensual. I think most people never see themselves as cheaters and that can control themselves. Ha! Easier said than done.
I am so sorry for the late reply. It turns out my comments system has been pushing ALL my comments to the trash folder. Social media is easy to hide for a while, but can also backfire on the cheater. This happened to me where my now ex-wife created a secret Instagram account and she took pictures with him and posted them all over the account. They had mutual friends together. I’d bet those friends did not even know that I existed. A person who had previously worked with both of us told me that she had seen pics of my ex on her feed with some other guy, like in one of those “Do you know this person” pop ups. If it hadn’t been for this other person telling me then I do not know how long it would have lasted until I caught her. The problem now for you could be that he will be extra careful hiding any traces of cheating. You can create social media accounts under any name you want and it is very easy in general to digitally cheat, at least for a while, until you get lazy and make a mistake.
I am so sorry for the late reply. Turns out my comment system was throwing all my comments into the trash folder. When you say that he wants to move on, do you mean that he wants you to just forget about the affair or he wants to leave you? What are your biggest fears right now with him and the relationship?
I am so sorry for not responding to this comment earlier. The truth is that it seems that my back end system is preventing all comments from getting through. I had to look in the trash bin to find them all. Sorry again. I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but your response is somewhat typical to the emails I receive. So do not feel alone. Your husband appears to have the traits of a serial cheater. He has no idea why he does it because the emotional issues that lead to his decision to cheat run so deep that he does not even see them. Most likely his self-esteem is very low, he needs the attention to validate his own self-worth. He has strung along all these other women too, making them feel important. No doubt he told them all sob stories of what he was missing in his relationship with you. And they all fell for it. But now he gets to “have his cake and eat it too” by staying with you in a safe life where he has a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in. And the sad part is I would predict that this is not over. And if he doesn’t stop what will you do? Unless he sees the problem lies within himself and wants to seek help to fix his own issues then you will live these nightmares forever. My question to him would be why do you want to stay married? What do you get out of it? Why do you want to stop cheating? Please keep safe and think for yourself. You may be standing at a fork in the road in which both paths lead to something uncomfortable. Which path leads to some kind of peace at the end?
Sorry for the late reply. I was wondering where all my comments were. I had to look in a different spot in the back end of my site. Thank you for such an in-depth opinion. I can feel your pain in your words. It relieves me to see you write that you as a betrayed spouse must think about yourself. It is such a hard reality to deal with when you discover that the person who claimed to stick with you through thick and thin takes the quickest road out once things get tough. One thing I would suggest is be wary of making threats. If you catch your wife cheating again then you must stick to what you said you would do or in her eyes, she has no reason to stop. Like in your case you say you would get divorced. I can tell you from experience it is not easy to do even after catching your spouse a second or third time. So if you catch her again, you now have put yourself in a challenging position. If you give her another chance to stay with you then she will think that you are just afraid of being alone. After you catch your cheating spouse a second time, stay married and do not take proactive steps with counseling then you open the door for endless cheating. They see your threats as empty and see no repercussions for doing it over and over again. They can still keep their safe, comfortable life and lover. Yes, I know that sucks to read. Just be careful to allow a cheating spouse to “have their cake and eat it too”. Feel free to contact me if you would like to talk.
Mike I apologize for the late reply. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with my comments system. Turns out I had to look in another spot in my site’s back end to find them. Thank you for sharing. Cheating can become an addiction for some based on the character issues I’ve listed here in this post. I recently created a new post specifically for betrayed husbands dealing with serial cheating wives. Thank you for taking responsibility for the issues that you believe propelled you to cheat. Most people who cheat do not intend to hurt others, as crazy as that sounds. Instead they justify their actions and do not see that they have a problem with deep voids in their own lives.
Definitely know the feeling Mike. None of us want to believe that our spouses will cheat on us. So when it happens we still want to believe everything will turn around and work out. Thank you for sharing and if you feel like talking to someone outside the situation please send me a message on my contact page.
Your welcome Chloe. Sorry didn’t notice you posted this earlier.
Interesting viewpoint regarding finding a sense of purpose.
What specific evidence did you find and how did you present it to him?
Done!
So sorry about that. I don’t know, but I will look into it.
Thank you for the compliment. I actually have written every article for this website personally. Eventually I will ask to interview others who have experience with affairs and relationships then post the interview and perhaps podcast them. How have affairs effected your life, if you don’t mind me asking?
This is a topic dear to my heart too. Sorry, I will create a contact page but here is my email orlando@infidelityfirstaidit.com Feel free to email me personally. I would love to hear from you and anyone else that has something on their mind.
Thank you Hugo. Is the topic of relationships and affairs a touchy subject for you too?
I will personally call you if you’d like. If you are comfortable with that. It’s just that it would be difficult to post because there is so much to say. If you are not comfortable with speaking with me on the phone than we can email each other back and forth. You know I accidentally found a text conversation between my wife and some strange guy. I can start by telling you what I did.
Here’s my email: orlando@infidelityfirstaidkit.com
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I really am, but we’ll get through this if you can promise to be strong. Only the strong survive infidelity.
Orlando C.
Thank you so much. I am doing my best to post more useful content. What’s the point of candy coating? No one wants to see that. I want to get to the heart of the matter. You’re too kind to bookmark me and tweet. 🙂 There is nothing more important to me than good-working relationships. My unique story gives me the opportunity to help others touch base with their feelings in order to survive infidelity. Unfortunately it took going through the dark side of cheating to understand the cheater’s mind set, but it’s that side that helps me unveil the ugliness of affairs that good, loyal people need to see. Please feel free to sign up for my email updates and receive the free ebook too.
I’m doing my best. My objective is to bring to the surface the ugly topics and thoughts no one wants to touch. No one can heal without facing the problems. Relationships in general is a very touchy subject to me, and infidelity in marriage touches home with me in more ways than one. I believe affairs are getting to be more common than ever before. That really sucks.
Please tell me more. 🙂 What do you mean by your quote, “I would rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.”?
What has happened to your little brother? How could my site be of use to him? Please tell.