10 Reasons Good People Have Affairs… Even in “Good” Relationships

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How could it be possible that good people have affairs?

I’d thought about this topic for many years before accidentally coming across Mira Kirshenbaum’s “When Good People Have Affairs“.

And finally decided to place a spotlight on this subject.

One thing many of us forget, especially the most angry of the hurt spouses, is that people have simple needs but complex feelings.

This ball of yarn of mixed feelings can get challenging to untangle.

Most of us do not take the time to look inward during our spastic, busy lives to figure out what we want and what is best for us.

We simply neglect our own needs and what our mind is telling us what we need to take the best care of us.

Instead, we ignore the siren blasting the warning alarm in our heads to stop and self-diagnose what we need to first take care of ourselves and then our partners.

Ignoring Our Own Needs NOW Can Spell Disaster for Your Marriage LATER

In the case of figuring out why good people have affairs, I believe that the situations below (and the countless other ways not listed here) reflect people with good intentions and of good character who run through their own red lights and then end up at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Did you betray your spouse? Do you want solutions to save the marriage and stay together? Check out my post Rebuilding Broken Trust: Steps Cheating Spouses MUST Take

They don’t take care of themselves, don’t communicate what needs fixed in their relationship, think the problems will just take care of themselves and then don’t fear the danger of a friendship outside the relationship turning into an affair.

They might talk in passing or work with each other, get the feeling that the other person cares and truly gets them.

It feels good.

But it felt the same way when they met their spouse for the first time.

How quickly we forget.

Nothing here describes a serial cheater, player, philanderer, hedonist, or narcissist.

You won’t find ongoing character flaws that go neglected.

These are generally and genuinely good people, with good hearts, who likely even put others first while ignoring themselves and then end up getting in over their heads.

These are generally and genuinely good people, with good hearts … who end up getting in over their heads.

They feel deep regret for the affair or they realize that they simply met and married someone who is a mismatch.

Should you forgive a cheating spouse? Or move on? Check out my post

Either way they do not like to hurt others feelings and likely will never cheat again.

This topic will likely set some people off and upset them because they feel a need to pummel their betraying spouse and pile on their anger. (This is not a healthy way for you to confront a cheating spouse).

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10 Ways Good People Cheat on their Partners

1. Need to Feel Wanted and Desired

“I want to see how it feels.”

Getting married doesn’t stop your need to feel attractive and sexually desired. So, if a situation arises where a friendship with a co-worker begins and suddenly turns flirtatious, it can get next to impossible for many to resist the temptation to go one step further.

One may think that there is no danger in having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, but what happens when the compliments and flirty jokes begin?

How many can resist the temptation of stepping away from receiving admiration and affection? Not many.

2. Finding the “One”

“I think I might be with the wrong person”.

You can bet on that every now and then, you will feel like there is someone out there who suits you better. But that’s because there is always something that feels missing. Even for soulmates.

Therefore, it’s normal to feel that the best solution to feeling better about your relationship is to find someone different.

And here is where a friendship with someone you find attractive can put you or anyone at risk of cheating and one explanation of many of why good people have affairs.

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3. Perfect Checklist Relationship

“I’m satisfied but tired of pretending I’m happy.”

We just looked at how even the “perfect” couple could fall victim to an affair. Now we look at the couple who gets together because they want to feel and appear perfect.

This can happen when people do not get married for love, instead they get together because they create what they believe to be the “perfect life”.

This will not fulfill someone emotionally in the long-run.

Everyone seeks true love whether they realize it or not. Without the person who truly gets you and likes you for who you are, you won’t feel at peace.

You cannot be the best version of yourself without the right match.

4. Wake-up Call

“I want my partner to wake the f— up and show me he/she wants me.”

Think of this reason good people have affairs is for revenge or to get the attention and affection they seek at all costs.

The cheater thinks the only way to get the attention they want from their partner is by getting them to react.

They think a spark may force their partner to take them more seriously, or perhaps to even spice things up.

Sounds dangerous?

Yes, because it is, but either way, someone can have good intentions of getting closer to their husband or wife by justifying their destructive actions.

5. The Rescuer

“I can’t resist helping someone sad. Things got out of hand.”

Of all the reasons good people have affairs, I find this one the most interesting and even fascinating.

“The Hero Instinct” can work in the reverse and incite empathy and sympathy. (What is the “Hero Instinct”? Click here to learn more in my post The Hero Instinct: Become an Irresistible Goddess to Him).

In the case of a friendship-turned -affair, all it takes is one person to share their “sob story” with someone, and the other wants to turn their sadness into smiles.

This works for both sexes.

And as a man, I can tell you that wanting to rescue a woman from sadness is very difficult to resist.

It’s one form of many for us men to feel needed and like a protector. In this case, we feel like we are protecting a woman from feeling unhappiness.

This happened to me in the past, and happens to many men where, once again, a friendship becomes an affair.

Find out why your partner cheated and how to confront a cheating partner. Click here to read my review of Break Free from the Affair (and learn about Dr. Huizenga’s 7 Types of Affairs and how to handle each one.)

6. Mid-life Crisis

“Is this as good as life will be for me?”

And here we have a very common situation of how good people have affairs. The affair may not even spawn from a sexual desire or need for variety.

Instead, it often can come to life to create a spark in someone’s life out of fear that they will remain stuck in a boring, routine existence forever.

This is a good as it gets with little to look forward to.

Then being at the wrong place at the wrong time two people with good intentions of being nice to one another slips into an all-out affair.

7. Wrong Expectations

“What did I get myself into?”

Here’s a glimpse into a chapter of my infidelity story.

My young ex-wife probably had good intentions when we got married, but a few years in realized that she had gotten in over her head.

The committed life was more than she had anticipated.

Her career aspirations and need for self-discovery were parts of her life she did not want to sacrifice.

Marriage is one of the biggest commitments we make and many, especially with little relationship experience, don’t know what the life-long commitment of marriage entails, until we’re already in it.

Related Post: Do you feel you got married for the right reasons to ensure a healthy, long-term relationship?

8. Dominant Partner with Passive Partner

“Why did I let him/her talk me into this?”

Here is a case of someone with good intentions and typically good character who marries someone a control-freak.

And this overbearing partner doesn’t seem to understand the little things that makes their partner seem heard nor respected.

Related Post: Did you marry a control freak?

This crack of below the surface and eventually rupture into a fault line like an earthquake.

And then it’s only a matter that this feeling of getting bullied tempts the more agreeable-natured partner to seek to find someone who does get them.

9. Need to Be Taken Care Of

“Why is she/he so bossy?”

Here is another glimpse into what I believe happened in my ex-wife’s affair.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone who leans on you for guidance and to fix their problems, but yet at the same time resents you for taking care of them?

They see you as bossy, and someone taking away their independence.

This is just a case of not being ready for marriage and a mismatch of two people at two different stages of life.

I see this happen to many of my female email subscribers.

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The man still acts like he hasn’t left the crib and needs nurturing.

Then he meets someone who gives him the reins, which triggers his “hero instinct” and thus, he feels heard and needed.

10. Rediscovering Yourself

“I want my life back. I want to chase my dreams again.”

This reasons of why good people have affairs is similar to a mid-life crisis, but can happen at any stage of life.

Life’s routine responsibilities get overwhelming and the sacrifices one makes for their children and spouse diverts them away from their life pursuits, passions and dreams.

Then want to devote more time for themselves, then meet someone who makes them feel like the best version of themselves again.

Most likely the person they meet will be someone they regular encounter, usually at work, church or in some other walk of life.

Good News!

When Good People Have Affairs … it’s usually easier to save the marriage

If the betraying partner feels regret and still believes in the benefits of a stable relationship then the chances are good that the marriage can be saved.

In fact, if the right steps are taken then your relationship then you can discover a new kind of happiness together that you both haven’t felt before…

…because you’d finally communicate in new healthy ways with the goal of finding happiness together and living rewarding lives.

Click here to learn more about renowned infidelity coach Dr. Huizenga’s online Infidelity Recovery Center in my review.

Or go straight to the source to get the information. Start by accessing the Level One free resources (there are 5 total levels).

Do you believe that when good people have affairs that you can save the marriage/relationship?

Share your opinion in the comments field below. (Use an anonymous name to protect your privacy).