How to Beat Loneliness: #1 Loneliness Cause and 10 Keys to Break Free
So you want to know how to beat loneliness?
Maybe you went through an affair or even divorce and had your heart ripped out.
Or perhaps you just haven’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend for a while.
It seems like you will stay stuck in this feeling of emptiness forever, right?
And believe me I know how that feels.
But you and I will explore how to turn your loneliness around today!
OK?
My Quick Story of Loneliness
After the girl I fell in love with, adored and married suddenly abandoned me it took me a while to even begin to beat loneliness.
I thought I would never regain my confidence or happiness.
Logically you could see that a girl willing to desert her husband for another man without warning is not the right woman.
But loneliness is not logical, is it?
We have a tendency to unfairly judge ourselves and create false notions that we are destined for loneliness. Instead of seeing loneliness as a temporary occurrence just for a moment we instead believe that we have something wrong with us.
We are different, but in an unattractive way.
And thus we alienate ourselves from the rest of the world because of our own unfair, unwarranted judgment of ourselves.
We cause it and we have the power to undo it.
Let’s start to undo it now.
First let’s look how loneliness takes control of us.
Sudden Changes in Life Can Trap Us in Loneliness
Infidelity, divorce, break up, new job, baby, husband working out of town, moving away, death and a myriad of other unpredictable events throw many of us into a state of severe loneliness.
They remove us from our comfort zones, challenge us to adapt and force us to ask ourselves, “How did I get here. Can I escape this empty feeling? Will I find someone else? What can I do to stay strong and feel happy again?”
The good news is that you can and will beat loneliness.
It starts with wanting to break free.
You don’t even have to believe yet. Just decide that you want to feel happy. In some cases that will mean just feeling more comfortable in your own skin and embracing your time alone to heal and grow.
In other cases it will mean that you want to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, make new friends or that you want to reconnect with your partner.
And you can start today!
Prisoner of Loneliness and How to Break Out of Its Jail
“How did I get here?”
“How can I beat loneliness?”
If you let it loneliness will take over your life and become a bigger problem than you could deal with on your own. Then you may require professional assistance to break free from loneliness’ tentacles.
And honestly I doubted I could escape, but I am a survivor and I wouldn’t let my insecure ex-wife define who I was.
Key Ingredient to Beat Loneliness
There’s one common key to overcome loneliness.
I discovered it from experience and what from research of numerous psychologists, therapists, life and relationship coaches.
Your way of thinking is not helping. It’s actually making things worse.
The Key: Acquire a new mindset.
Take responsibility for what you choose to think about yourself.
Empower yourself to believe that you can rid yourself of this emptiness.
Kira Asatryan, a certified relationship coach, says that
“The key to getting closer is shifting one’s perspective and getting in touch with knowing and caring. Knowing and caring are a powerful combination.”
She explains in her guest blogger article on TheNewWorldLibrary.com that by knowing and caring for others reciprocally, it allows them to know you on a deeper level and display a profound need to actively help you feel better.
The #1 Reason for Loneliness
“How did I get here? Why do I feel so lonely when I felt fine before?”
Inability to adapt to change is the number one reason for loneliness.
Life changes can slip us into feeling empty and isolated.
These changes such as your husband working remotely, your son moving away to college, a divorce or break up move us into a new set of unpredictable challenges we may not be prepared to face.
We can break these changes down into two categories.
Circumstantial Changes vs Life Changes
Circumstantial changes refer to either situational changes that happen to others in your life or minor changes that do not cause a major, life altering adjustment.
Life changes refer to major, life altering changes in your life, some of them by choice others happen unexpectedly.
Circumstantial Changes
- Friend moves away for job transfer or military deployment
- Move to a new neighborhood
- Friend gets married or has newborn baby
Life Changes
- Change of job leads to loss of familiar faces at work
- Marriage
- Death
- Divorce, Abandonment
Of course divorce, infidelity and abandonment (or spouse desertion) relate heavily to the topics on my site here and we will go into more detail on that in another post.
Expert Opinion of Loneliness Causes
For more causes of loneliness I found an in-depth article on Australia’s Institute of Professional Counseling website (under the heading Causes of Loneliness) that claims that the two biggest reasons for loneliness are change and personal, intrinsic factors.
Furthermore, if the person experiencing the change typically resists change or does not cope well with adapting to the change then may find themselves susceptible to experiencing loneliness.
My Personal Experience with How to Beat Loneliness
As you already read above my wife left without notice a few years ago and my first marriage was abysmal.
“When will I finally find true love and be happy?” I’ve asked myself hundreds of times.
I experienced intense emotional pain over feeling the loneliness of going from having a marriage to losing it.
My life turned upside down from one moment to the next- like as if someone flicked a switch.
The plans I had suddenly came to a halt and without warning.
I had no choice, but to reconstruct a new plan for my life or suffer more pain.
And it makes no sense to make up a sob story that women don’t like me or that I deserve loneliness.
Plenty of women would love to spend time with me.
And I have plenty of new goals and dreams to achieve.
Good things come, good things go.
Deciding to avoid self-defeating, ridiculous thoughts gives you a chance to see how unique you are and what value you have.
It’s the key to rebuild your confidence and how to beat loneliness.
Negativity that Adds to Our Own Loneliness
How could you not feel negative and sad after what you have gone through?
Right?
And the truth is, you will.
You will need to grieve some type of loss before you can begin to heal.
And embracing alone time will also play a major role in refreshing and cleansing your broken heart.
However, in the end engaging relationships will set you free from miserable isolation.
Giving first will draw caring people to you.
While negativity pushes them away.
Makes sense, doesn’t it.
Make other’s needs important and they will need you and want you around.
Ways We Fulfill Our Own Self-Fulfilling Prophecies of Rejection
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself beating myself up. No one judges me more than myself and it has caused me unnecessary grief.
If I had gotten out of my own way more often, then I could have made even more friendships and dated more girls.
Effectively I have caused rejection due to my own harsh judgment of myself.
I have proven time and time again to act as my own worst enemy.
Luckily for me I have given myself a break enough to meet some great people who have changed my life, though.
Do you get in your own way sometimes?
Have you ever done any of the following to impede connecting with people?
Ways We Make Ourselves Miserable
- Assume We Are Boring and No One Wants to Hang Out with Us
- Unhappy Body Language Makes Us Less-Inviting
- Judgmental of Others Makes Them Want to Avoid Us
- Lack of Social Skills Practice Decreases Opportunities to Connect with Others
- Believing Loneliness Is a Sign of Weakness or Strange
- Allowing Past Experiences to Discourage You from Meeting New People
Comparing Yourself to Others Will Only Feed Your Loneliness
Someone will always have something you want but do not have.
But guess what?
You will always have something that someone else wants too.
And here you sit afraid that you will live the rest of your life drowning in loneliness and sadness unfairly comparing yourself to others.
I think what’s funny for me is how fast I forget that the many things that I at one time wanted in my life I got.
Then I get upset because I no longer have them.
In some cases, some of my most important achievements I’ve accomplished I still get to enjoy, but somehow I take for granted.
So what gives?
Have you ever experienced this?
See if you identify with any of the following ways that people often compare themselves to others.
You Think Everyone Else Is Happily Married?
How loneliness without a partner can dupe you into believing that all your friends and everyone around you is married or has someone.
People’s lives will change around you. Everyone’s timeline is different. And when they gain something you don’t have it’s easy to get jealous.
Believe that you will find someone (or find someone again) and you will. I believe it.
The fact that you find yourself in a rut now simply means right now you are in-between partners, it doesn’t mean that no one likes you.
If you’ve had someone before then stop suffering from memory loss.
You met someone who liked you before.
And it will happen in due time.
One more thing before moving onto the next section.
Married is not the same as “happily married”.
I most certainly would rather be single than trapped in a miserable relationship.
Have you been there?
I have.
It’s awful.
7 Ways Comparing Yourself to Others Wastes Your Time and Energy
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
1. It Kills Your Energy
I swear every time I think of how other people around me have a partner I feel knots in my stomach and my head tightens into a knot.
2. It Distracts Us from Doing Something More Important
Worrying about the “good life” that other people have takes up precious time that I could spend on building my new life. Inevitably once I snap out of thinking about others I go right back to working on my plans.
So why not just cut out the distraction of comparing myself to others?
3. You Lose Sight of Your Uniqueness
Just like each fingerprint is different than the rest. Each of us possesses a unique set of skills, personality traits, experience and viewpoints.
This package of goods comes in handy often times when we least realize it.
Don’t strip others of the right to get to know you.
I guarantee that someone needs you.
4. The Comparisons Will Never End
Make the money, buy the fancy car, get the promotion and get the girl.
And after you do all that, then what?
Then you’ll want a bigger house or a different house, you’ll want even more money and so on it goes.
Someone will always have something you don’t.
How can you be happy trying to always get something you don’t have. And why will others want to be around a sourpuss?
So why bother comparing yourself to others?
5. You Won’t Create Your Own Set of Goals and Dreams
Even if you got something that someone else had it may not end up the exact way you want it. Take pride in customizing your goals and dreams in the exact way you want them.
Ever think there’s even a better way to do it that others haven’t seen.
So don’t beat yourself up and push others away from your sadness.
6. Comparisons Break Up Friendships
Your outgoing friend gets all the girls, your drop-dead-gorgeous friend attracts all the handsome guys or your best friend has a high-powered, high-paying job.
Do you think your friend wants to lose you because you have low self-esteem and are jealous?
7. Your Next Love Will Love You for Who YOU Are, Not for Who the Others Are
Don’t forget that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
No matter how much you believe you are not good-looking enough, wealthy enough or simply good enough, in the end there’s always something unique to you that someone falls in love with.
And if you’ve ever been in a relationship that’s exactly what happened.
The special girl or guy liked you for your own unique set of qualities.
Don’t forget that.
10 Loneliness Myths You Never Thought Were True
Following false beliefs presents a danger that could cause damage for years until you identify the incorrect truth and undo it.
The list I created here could be somewhat subjective. But I think you could agree how these loneliness myths could add to your loneliness if you only take them at face value.
In some cases on this list you will feel temporarily better, but in the long run they won’t be enough to quench you of your loneliness, in fact, they may intensify it.
I explain the circumstances that make these points in the list myths.
MYTH 1: Make a Ton of Friends: the MORE, the Better
Yes, making many new friends quickly could provide some companionship and distract your loneliness. However, these friends most likely will be acquaintances and not the people you’d want to open up to about any deep feelings you keep inside.
MYTH 2: People More Outgoing Than You Are Happier Than You
Outgoing people tend to get energized from other people and when no one else is around they can become a different person.
MYTH 3: Marriage Will Make You Happier
While the relationship goes well, yes. But contrary to common belief among singles or daters who desire to get hitched marriage loneliness is real. And most of you reading this post are married and very well understand the real pain of disconnection in marriage. Check out the article Married and Lonely? Combating the threat of isolation in your marriage relationship.
MYTH 4: Finding a Girlfriend or Boyfriend Will Make You Happier
At first it will, of course, if you break up, especially if you rush into hoping the romantic sparks will rescue you from loneliness only to break up soon after.
MYTH 5: Sex with Your Partner (Or Someone You Like) Will Make You Happier
Then you risk becoming addicted to the pleasure of sex which you will never get enough of. If already married and you experience disconnection then sex could rekindle romance for the moment. But if you don’t resolve the underlying deep issues then the feelings of isolation will come rushing back.
MYTH 6: You’re Lonely Because No One likes You
Do you really believe that? Perhaps you just haven’t given enough people a chance to like you. And in case you haven’t had a romantic partner for a while then remember the choice to like you is theirs not yours. How many people in life are shocked when they find out someone likes them?
Plenty of men and women alike felt out they were out of their partner’s “league”, before dating them, but again, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
MYTH 7: Everyone Else Has Someone
Do they? And even the ones who do many of those relationships will end. Many partners in relationships are not compatible. Why do you compare yourself?
MYTH 8: Alone Means Lonely
Not necessarily. Not while grieving a break-up or divorce. You need the alone time. I certainly did. How do expect to sort through your feelings with other people talking to you. Yes, you should spend time speaking with friends, but alone time is vital.
Furthermore, alone without a partner yet simply could mean you should wait for the right person who appreciates you for who you are without wanting to change you.
I’ve been there. I prefer someone who likes me for who I am.
MYTH 9: You’ll Feel Lonely Forever
It can feel that way, but just when you least expect it someone appears in your life- a new friend, an old one, a cousin, a girl or guy who likes you.
And while you wait take advantage of your alone time.
I spend a lot of time writing these posts for you in my alone time.
MYTH 10: You Can’t Change Who You Are, You Are Meant To Be Despicable
Small changes lead to big results. The simplest change with the biggest result I’ve come across- smile more. Stupid advice? Actually great advice. I am one of the least likely people to say this, but after many girls kept suggesting it I decided I would start to smile as often as people.
I smile at elderly ladies, male co-workers, kids, the cashier at the store, the bank teller and after a while it makes it easy to smile at the cute girls I’m interested in.
Smiling is contagious. And so is simply coming across relaxed and happy around others. Take interest in others and they will like you.
10 Keys How to Beat Loneliness
For those who successfully beat loneliness they accept that they must change and then take action.
I realize if you experience deep loneliness right now.
And believe me I have been there.
It could mean you just are not ready YET, but you could someday soon.
But why not start small steps today?
Wouldn’t you rather feel better now?
This acceptance of change and a step towards a brighter tomorrow starts when you take responsibility for your thoughts. Learn to identify ways that you alienate others around you and become more welcoming and inviting. And embrace your alone time.
You make your biggest plans and design your dreams during this period.
One heads up. This list does not follow any order except that you will find the main tip at end of list.
1. Challenge Yourself Anytime You Feel People Do Not Like You
Let an alarm go off in your head whenever you feel this way.
2. Hang Out (or Meet) People Who Are Naturally Good at Meeting People
You will observe and learn how to make new friends.
3. Impress People with Your Talents for Conversational Starters
The things you know or know how to do others would love to learn from or watch. What do you know a lot about or what skill or talent do you have? What tricks can you do?
4. Allow for Flexible Thinking Amongst Your Friends
Give them the benefit of the doubt. The more they feel comfortable acting as their natural selves and can express themselves the more they will give back.
Who really wants to walk on egg shells thinking before they say every little thing out of fear you will take it personally?
5. Start to Speak, Act and Most Importantly LOOK Happy, Positive
Happy people attract happy people- and even sad people who want to feel happy.
6. Use Your Experience, Knowledge or Talents to Help Others in Need
You will good about helping and they will appreciate it. Actively seeking out friends or acquaintances you can help gives you a guaranteed way to break free from feeling lonely.
7. Go Out with Friends Who Have Big Circle of Friends
While you probably enjoy close-knit friendships it feels good just to talk with others. Besides you never know when you will find your next best friend.
8. Hang Out with Friends Who Are Good at Meeting Girls/Guys
No sleazy pick up tips though. That won’t help you beat loneliness. Learn from friends who enjoy genuine relationships.
What you will learn you’ve already been reading throughout this post. Act and look happy, and treat others how they want to be treated and you will attract the opposite sex by default.
9. Connect with People Who Share Your Passions
Simple but effective tip for making new friends. Commonalty is one the fastest ways to connect with someone.
Consider checking out Meetup.com where people in your area organize get-togethers built around hobbies.
10. Identify Friends Who You Can Talk to When Feeling Down…and Who Uplift You TOO!
Just because they are your friend doesn’t mean they have patience to speak about deep matters or even know what to day. Some of your friends are better suited for this.
Main Tip to Beat Loneliness
Become an Expert Conversationalist and Friend Magnet
Read, watch, observe and learn anything you can about how to connect with people. You still need your alone time, but learn to master how to make friends and you will not worry about lacking companionship.
Treat making friends like a hobby. If you had a hobby that interested you to learn more about, how much would you devote yourself to learning it?
Pay attention to others and they will pay attention to you.
How do you beat loneliness? What is your opinion?
Share your thoughts here. I’d love to read your opinions.
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Other References
http://www.success.com/article/4-common-myths-about-loneliness
http://www.prolificliving.com/desperation-loneliness-myths/
