Rebuild Life after Divorce for Women: Cope with Loneliness, Debt, One Income, Find New Career [Free Coaching Call]
You can look at life after divorce for women as an end or a rebirth.
Not all marriages survive infidelity or turmoil.
Sometimes in life you may have to fend for yourself.
It’s just how it is.
I learned that lesson and have written many of the blog posts on Infidelity First Aid Kit as a form of therapy for me and a way to help others re-route their lives.
A little over a year ago I had the pleasure of meeting inspirational speaker, “life after divorce for women” coach and author of Muddy High Heels: 14 Lessons Learned From My Breakdown, Breakup & Breakthrough
She invited me on her podcast for a panel interview of how to cope with divorce and deal with loneliness over the holidays.
Despite my pride in being able to hold my composure, I struggled to answer the questions.
As good memories of my ex floated around in my head, I nearly broke down in tears three times during my turn on the podcast.
Lesson?
Some good things come to an end.
And sometimes they don’t end well.
My divorce from my wife forced me to learn how to cope with life alone and abruptly figure out how to re-route my life.
But…
You can choose how to respond, how to rebound.
And recently it came to my attention that many of you, my female followers, face this reality too.
The reality that surviving divorce and infidelity means starting over- not saving your marriage.
And so I decided to reach back out to my friend Pamela Elaine Nichols to tell her story to you.
At the end of this post I even have a generous free gift for you, if you would like to prepare yourself for some of the challenges that lie ahead.
But first please take 5-10 minutes for Pamela Elaine to share with you her tips on how to survive life after divorce for women who must learn to rebuild their lives alone without their spouse.
Hidden underneath the muddiness of life’s setbacks is a breakthrough lesson awaiting your discovery.
Pamela Elaine Nichols
Life after Divorce for Women: How to Cope with Debt, Live on One Income, Learn to Co-Parent and Find a New Life and Career Path
After you enjoy our interview, you can visit Pamela Elaine Nichol’s site www.YourResilienceCoach.com.
Also, I invite you to take advantage of the gift she offers you at the end of this post.
And please share you comment, opinion, concerns or questions at the bottom. Your comments, and the replies to them, regarding the topic of this post: life after divorce for women, can help other viewers heal faster.
Let’s all work together to help each other heal.
Let’s begin.
I sent our host today, Pamela Elaine Nichols, some questions to help my female visitors survive life after divorce for women who wish to learn how to overcome the challenges that they face after they leave your marriage.
Or how to prepare in case they leave.
[Rebuilding Life after Divorce for Women] Interview with Pamela Elaine Nichols
1. Lack of Income: Living on One Income after Depending on Two
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“Pamela Elaine, many of my blog followers, who would like to leave their marriages, fear what life after divorce for women, will be life.
They fear living without their spouse’s salary, especially if he supplied the majority of the household income.
What did you do after the divorce to adjust?
What are some of the most common ways to combat this especially if you can’t rely on savings?
Do you know of any organizations that could provide assistance for single moms living on one income?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“Before you leave your marriage, get your finances in order!
Know how much you owe and how much you own. Know where this information is kept. Specifically, know how much money your spouse makes, how much you make (even if you make $1), property owned, retirement money, investment, etc.
This means you must know your marital worth. Take this information to a certified divorce financial advisor (CDFA). This is an individual who knows how to help you plan a financial future before, during and after divorce.
Talk to your friends who have gone through divorce and ask who they would recommend. Check their recommendations with the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) If you are not working, a CDFA will help you plan a strategy to build your income before, during and after divorce.
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“Any suggestions for when you don’t have a job and haven’t worked for a while?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“In this day and age of advanced technology, even if you haven’t worked for a long time, you can still find work that suits you and employment that you can qualify for. Two great companies to look into help women return to the work place:
Don’t buy into the myth that you are either too old or too inexperienced to find meaningful work. Also, consider going back to school to get a credential of certification in an area that matters to you. Don’t be afraid to find work that makes you feel good. There is ALWAYS a way to make money if you follow your bliss.”
2. Debt: Digging Yourself Out of High Credit Card Balances
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“This is one of the biggest fears of life after divorce for women- losing one income.
Did you personally deal with debt after the divorce? How did you handle it?
Do you know of any organizations to recommend for eliminating or restructuring debt that you have seen other women utilize?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“Having debt is one of the biggest stressors. The most important step is to stop the spending that exceeds your income, otherwise, you will be in debt forever. It may sound like a contradiction, but you have to put some money away to just play with. I know, counter-intuitive when you have debt.
One great strategy I learned is to pay down debt by splitting your income into percentages into the following seven categories:
- Play
- Financial Freedom
- Debt repayment
- Living expenses
- Short Term savings
- Education
- Giving
For example, if you have $1000 per month, and you really want to pay down debt you might split your percentages as follows (you can always adjust the percentages up or down to accomplish your goal:
- Play – 3% or $30 (which you have to use up completely within the month)
- Financial Freedom – 3% or $30
- Debt repayment – 19% or $190
- Living expenses – 55% or $550
- Short Term savings – 5% or $50
- Education – 5% or $50
- Giving – 10% or $100
What’s important here is to be sure you are still taking care of yourself (play) so that the burden of debt doesn’t depress you.
If your debt is drowning you, consider contacting a consumer debt advisor to discuss other options. Sometimes you can get your credit card debt reduced with the right credit counselor. You may also consider a consumer debt attorney. I used Tayne Law Group.”
3. New Career: Redefining Your Path
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“In some cases when you are married you must sacrifice your career goals in order to meet household schedule demands.
These demands could range from caring for kids or pets to even location challenges, such as living far away from the center of town because that’s where affordable houses are located to accompany family’s need.
In life after divorce for women, who want to gain the advantage of freedom of choice where to live and work, this offers something to look forward to.
They could even go back to school.
What did you do?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“I gave up my ambitions to follow my husband’s career advancement, moving from one location to another and then to another as he rose in the career ranks. After our divorce, he continued to hold high-earning jobs while I had to figure out who I was and what I was going to do with the rest of my life without him.
I decided to pursue my own interest, which is to be an inspirational speaker and help women recover after divorce. I took several personal and professional development courses, appeared on the Dr. Oz Show, published a book, and co-produced a television series on divorce recovery that appears on public television.
If you set your mind on a goal, and commit (key word here) to it’s fulfillment, you WILL find doors open where there weren’t any.”
Muddy High Heels: 14 Lessons Learned from Breakdown, Break-up and Breakthrough
4. Alone: Fighting Through Loneliness
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“Everyone who gets married wants companionship, but no one is quite ready for the opposite during life after divorce For women who face this new reality, it can be challenging at first.
How did you personally deal with the lonely nights after you no longer had a husband around?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
I remember the first Valentine’s Day following my divorce, I dreaded it. I was worried weeks before the day arrived, wondering what I would do, would I be alone, what would others think about me, would they feel sorry for me, would I feel sorry for myself?
My first thought was to drink the loneliness away and anxiety away with Pinot Noir (or a white wine).
And, I did…until I read a book that was a game changer. The book I read opened my eyes to emotions and how emotions are messengers that demand to be heard.
Loneliness is an emotion that carries a message. The message isn’t generic, however. The message is as unique as the person receiving it is.
For me, the message of loneliness was, “You are good enough to enjoy your own company.”
And, that’s exactly what I did. I made myself a special dinner, bought myself flowers, and wrote myself a love song!
The point here and the point of the book I read is be at peace with whatever difficult emotion comes up.
Feel the emotion and where it shows up in your body, as emotions are designed to do. Accept the discomfort. Invite it in. Once you do something miraculous happens: the difficult emotion subsides. You feel better. When you feel better, you do better.
The book I read (and am re-reading) is The One Thing Holding You Back: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection by Raphael Cushnir.”
5. Co-parenting: The Push and Pull of Two Different Parenting Styles
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“What were the biggest parenting challenges you faced after divorce and how did you overcome them?
What about some of your clients? Any situations that come to mind?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“Oy! This is a big one. If only this topic could be easy and straightforward…but it ain’t!
The biggest co-parenting challenges for me as well as for many, many women is child support and custody. Co-parenting feuds are symptoms of resentment about child support and custody.
The parent who pays support often disagrees with, holds resentment towards and disdain for the parent who receives the support. The parent who has less custody time than the other makes remarks about the competence of the majority custody parent. And on and on it goes.
My best advice, as situations are different is this: DO NOT PUT YOUR KIDS IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SH**!
Please. The bickering, feuding, bad-mouthing devastates the children in ways parents will never understand. Don’t do it. Period!
You will have your co-parenting issues. Your ex may be a knucklehead (and he may think you are too). Y
our kids, however, do not need to see, hear, or know about the challenges co-parenting brings. Protect them. Feud, if you must, in private. You can be the one who lessens the feuding, if you want.
The way to do that is to ask yourself this question and then act on the answer, “What is ONE thing I change about ME such that it will make engaging my ex easier and the feuding unnecessary?”
6. New Personal Goals and Dreams: Re-routing Your Life’s GPS
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“You gain the freedom to choose what to do with your own money in your life after divorce For women who sacrificed their own pursuits they now also benefit from the reward of establishing new goals or revamping old ones.
Some divorced women begin traveling more, others find new friends or hang out with their current ones and others find new hobbies or passions to participate in.
What did you do?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“When I was a guest on The Dr. Oz Show with two other women to talk about healthy revenge after divorce, each of us mentioned one area in our lives that we “re-routed”.
One woman decided to dye her hair blonde. She wanted to see if blondes have more fun. The second woman starting a blog, now she has thousands of followers.
I launched a coaching business to help women bounce back after divorce. Re-routing is a personal decision. Whatever you value is what you should do to revamp your life. After all, it is YOUR life.”
7. Dealing with Judgement and Pity Parties
Orlando from InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“No one prepares for what it is like to go through infidelity or life after divorce For women, and men alike, who have not experienced this horror, it’s easy for them to pass judgement.
I personally, received much unsolicited, unhelpful advice.
What was your experience?
How did you handle it in the beginning?
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“Understand this: people who offer unsolicited and even mean-spirited advice or comments are unloading their baggage on you.
Don’t take it personally! Remind yourself of this regularly. It will save you a lot of hurt feelings and desires to retaliate. As for the pity party: go ahead and throw one!
Be okay with feeling pity for yourself. Divorce is tough. However, like all parties, there is a start time and an end time. Decide the time your pity party will start and decide the time the pity part will end!”
8. Dating Again: When Are You Ready? Should You Re-marry?
Orlando InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
“Pamela, I don’t think anyone wants to be alone forever, but we each have our own views about re-marrying and deciding when we are ready to date again.
What suggestions could you offer to my viewers?”
Pamela Elaine Nichols
“Each woman has to decide for herself when she is ready to date again. That’s step one, two and three.
After dating for a while, each woman has to decide for herself when she is ready to remarry or if she even wants to remarry (nothing wrong if she does not). No one can make this decision for her.
Dating and remarrying are deeply personal. However, there are a few relevant questions that women may want to ask and answer. The ability to reflect and be honest with herself is a sign of her readiness for commitment and a fulfilling relationship:
- What have I learned about myself that I like and that I need to improve?
- What responsibility am I willing to take for the divorce (are you still blaming your ex? If so, you aren’t quite ready)?
- Do I believe I am good enough for love and commitment?
- What is my self-care practice and am I willing to make self-care a priority NO MATTER WHO I’M LOVING?”
Receive [Free Coaching Call]
Women need more than anything to own their power, know they are good enough, and settle only for extraordinary. I would like to offer you a complimentary discovery phone [or] video-call to determine which of these three areas you would like to strengthen.
Please email me at YourResilienceCoach@gmail.com and I will send you a questionnaire and a link to my calendar. Please use the subject heading: “Orlando’s Viewer” to receive your free call as a token of appreciation for reading our interview today.
Thank you for the opportunity to serve you.
