Cheating Spouse Shows No Remorse: Forgive or Leave?
How would you react if your spouse cheated a second time and showed no remorse about how it affected your life?
Do cheaters feel remorse? And what does it mean when they don’t?
They say lightening does not strike twice, but it happened to me.
Pain and anger from the first D-day still simmer in my stomach. Recovery was tough.
All I ever wanted was someone to share good times with, share a fine glass of wine seated in a dimly lit restaurant, witness world-renown icons on vacation together, a woman who when she kissed me I felt like I was the only man that existed to her.
So there I was seated on a hard chair one morning preparing for the day ahead. Bent over, breathing easy, life seemed under control. I hear that all-too-familiar “bubble popping” alert sound when I receive messages on Facebook.
“Orlando, I don’t even know how to tell you this, but I just saw many pictures of your wife on Instagram with some strange guy in New York. Apparently this has gone on for over a year and it looks like they live together.”
Caught a second time like a fish on hook cast back into the lake to be free only to be snared again. She simply seems not to care how much pain she inflicts on me, shows no signs of remorse for leaving my feelings scattered all over the ground like a train wreck.
My Wife’s Second Affair: A Second Life in Another City
What started out as a supposed return visit to spend with family resulted in a twist of truth. Instead she planted herself in New York City for a couple months in an attempt to get her dream flight attendant job. She never revealed this plan to me.
I labored countless, tireless hours writing, rewriting and researching how to design a customized resume and cover letter for the airline industry. A month into her “back home” trip she revealed she was in New York and claims she was staying at some economy hotel.
Right before my eyes that one life-changing morning the truth escaped unbeknownst to her. Technology can be a bitch! In this case for both of us- not the most comforting way to find out your “loving” wife abandoned you.
How could this happen again? How could this be happening to me?
Tears come to my eyes just typing these words on my screen. I just turned 40. This is my second marriage, time seems to be running out to find my soulmate and I was absolutely crazy head over heels for her.
Am I awake?
I received no apology, not yet at least- didn’t get one the first time either.
Looks like she only wants what benefits her landing her dream job and to live in her dream city.
No remorse for how it shreds my life, no feelings of shame. Have you ever wondered how a cheater runs through all the red lights that scream, “Hey! This is not a good idea! Stop!,” and does it anyway.
She chooses bliss over handling normal relationship problems.
Let’s face it. You’re married, I’m married, tell me, have you never had at least some minor crush on a co-worker, a friend’s cousin, the cute bank teller?
Then how does the cheater go as far as they do before the reality of the damage they wreak smacks them across the face? Then, then has the audacity to only shed a tear because they were caught red-handed. Do they have deep-seeded personality disorder, are they a sociopath?
Sociopath? Patterns of Running from Problems
By now I have seen similar patterns of how she handles adversity. When she did not like her jobs she just stopped showing up and fed me the excuse they were not giving her hours. When she hung out with friends late she would ignore my calls and texts.
For her it has been easier to run than face issues head on. Some gossipy girls at work frequently talked about their jealousy of all the special projects she participated in. The gossip and talking behind her back bothered her, but instead of confronting them she let it go. The problem never ceased, instead she quit.
So when life got dull and the romance of our relationship began to fade how else should I have expected her to react?
So when life got dull and the romance of our relationship began to fade how else should I have expected her to react?
By choosing the easiest path to feel enjoyment in life, in this case- cheating.
Check out how I handle being cheated on by a wife who lacks remorse and has no regret.
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Is my relationship really over?
We walked across the Golden Gate Bridge together, sipped wine in Sonoma County, held my niece in our arms the day she was born, prepared numerous home dinners together.
She had grown sad for a long while, missed her family from back home, missed the big city life she was used to. Compared to New York City, life in Florida (other than in Miami) can feel like a country town (I’ve actually heard people from big cities tell me that).
I let her travel to New York on small trips to get over her sadness while I patiently looked and hoped for a new strategy to work our relationship out. She claimed to be visiting friends. On some occasions I believe she was, other times, looks like she was just enjoying the company of the OP. Maybe it was the same OP from the first affair, maybe it wasn’t. It makes no difference.
They went on skiing trips together, she made him homemade dinners at his apartment (she hadn’t made me dinner in months) and plastered pics of all of this on their Instagram walls. Their circle of friends up there had no idea who she really was and her life down here.
I knew she didn’t like it here, but I did everything I could to help her. I drove her to and from work, made sure my schedule lined up with hers and produced a sharp enough resume that resulted in 3 invitations for flight attendant jobs.
But No Remorse? No Apology?
But how is that an excuse to live a second life and leave me clueless and alone? How can you show no signs of remorse for living with another man leaving me in a dead-end relationship? What would have happened if I hadn’t discovered the affair? I would have been living a lie for months or maybe longer.
Let Go or Hope Your Cheating Spouse Can Change
There comes a time when you must let go. There comes a time where all the good times and what happened before no longer matters. If your spouse offers no apology, cheats again after swearing up and down she wasn’t and does not demonstrate any signs of remorse for hurting you, then the risk is too high to continue.
It is time to cut your losses.
Maybe she does have a serious personality disorder? Not so sure she is a sociopath with no feelings for others when she feels the world (or me) works against her. (Hey, if you’ve got concerns that your wife or partner could be a sociopath click that link in the last sentence. I found a great site for information on describing the warning signs).
I guess what does it matter right now? Now it’s time to figure out how to stop the pain and the fastest ways to affair recovery.
Perhaps her possesses a cheater personality. Read my most popular post about the serial cheater profile.
Regardless of Lack of Remorse- What A Cheating Spouse Must Do to Repair Damage
Some may regard this as a weakness, but I tend to prefer to forgive rather than hold a grudge. I just don’t like how it feels to store hate inside my soul. Not saying I always forgive every time without fail.
If you come across as self-edifying and have no respect for others and show no empathy to your fellow man, then I will not feel sorry for you. However, in order to repair a relationship to be happy again I do believe a cheating spouse with no remorse must follow certain affair reconciliation rules.
Affair Healing for Men
Kevin Jackson, a relationship coach who is known all over the web as an expert on helping men heal from cheating wives, describes his non-negotiables that the wayward wife must abide by so the marriage can continue happily.
Two are she must show DEEP remorse and another is to cut off ALL contact with the OP. If she cannot follow these forgiveness commandments then according to Kevin, your marriage has no shot.
He wrote an eBook on how men heal from affairs. In fact his team sent me a copy to review. The review is one of the top ranked reviews in Google.
Check out my review of Survive Her Affair to see his other two forgiveness factors, why men struggle with surviving affairs more than women, how lack of remorse affects your relationship and how to decide what to do next with your relationship.
At this point I just don’t see how I can move on with my wife. I need not look further than the personality and character traits my wife has illustrated. There is no togetherness or no “until-death-to-us-part” mentality in her heart. If her cheating was a freak, out-of-character one time thing, but this seems to be deep rooted in emotional fiber.
There is no togetherness or no “until-death-to-us-part” mentality in her heart.
Orlando, InfidelityFirstAidKit.com
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Question: [What signs of remorse or lack of remorse does your spouse show?]
Leave your comment at the end of this page after the “Related Articles” section.
My s S.O. showed some remorse as far as I’m sorry and as far as I can tell has cut off contact with the other woman (unless he talks online or phone at work). He can’t stand to see me cry because it makes him cry. He denied the affair up until I told him I knew 4 a fact but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He views a discussion as an argument or confrontation. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I can’t heal or build trust without hearing the story of what happened. We’ve been together 18 years but he was using meth the first 3 yrs we were together & he would leave me for a wk or two & see other women then come bk to me. He finally quit using & changed into a different person. I let the past go and we lived happily as far as I know until we both got addicted to opioids. That started a whole new problem. I could control my addiction a little bit better than he could so then it became a constant battle with us. Our whole relationship was about pills and making enough money to support the habit. Resentment set in plus arguments about how bad he was getting kept us constantly broken. Then I went thru menopause. I had no feelings no desires for sex at all. We both are in our early 50s. Midlife crisis sets in. He started using meth again last year. I saw the signs. I was so focused and hurt over him using meth that I didn’t pay attention to the signs of cheating. This time around he didn’t stay gone like before. Came home every night. But…he had started hanging around other people who used meth and would find excuses to stay gone until 9 or 10 at night. He had started seeing a woman I WORK WITH!!! Lied to my face everyday for at least 7 or 8 months. He made the mistake of telling 2 people that are friends of mine. He told one friend bk in January that he was gonna leave me and move in with her after he told me. He never told me or left. I finally went to a outpatient rehab in May to help myself get off opiates. When I did that…i don’t know what changed but he stopped the meth and decided to go to the rehab clinic also. THEN I FOUND OUT about the other woman. I found a condom in his wallet. He lied and said he found it and forgot to throw it away. So I started going through stuff of his and found more condoms hid. We argued and he left and stayed gone for 3 days so I packed up his clothes. Then the 2 people who knew about this affair that had been going on for months told me. When he came bk after 3 days…he had done meth again. He was outa his mind. Talking outa his head crazy. He’d been up all that time. He had an appt at the rehab place the next day. He wasn’t in any shape to drive so my broken hearted ass drives him. To make a long story short…when he came down off that high I confronted him about the affair. I acted like I knew who it was, I said I knew he had planned on leaving me months ago but she had to get rid of her old man before he could move in, etc…All he did was look at me and when I started crying he said I’m so sorry and he cried. BUT..each time I tried to talk about this he’d say not right now. I don’t want to argue. So I have no details of who? When? Why? Where? When did it stop? Who ended it? Nothing. So….im still in limbo with the questions and answers. He is living with me now. We are both in outpatient rehab and off of opiates. He isn’t using meth(we get drug tested every month). He and I do things together now when we get off work. He says that he wants to be with me and loves me. But I feel like roommates…friends. We get along fine now that we are clean. But in the back of my mind I have no closure. I think the only reason he’s with me is because SHE broke it off with him or maybe he thinks if he walks the line awhile I’ll give him some trust so he can cheat.. He lied so much for so long that it’s sickening and then doesn’t want to talk about the affair. He no doubt has feelings for her. I can’t bring it up to him without crying and that shuts him down. I guess I will see taking it one day at a time….
I think he sees you as a safe-haven. You will be there when the times are rough (as a good partner should), but he finds an escape through cheating, an escape from his life’s struggles, perhaps an alternative escape other than the one drugs provide. There’s something still there that he confides in you about. And I believe there’s something there that connects you to him. What do you feel still bonds you to him?
I read this 40 years too late. With I know now, I should have divorced my wife for 2-3 counts of adultery back in the late 1980’s at the latest. I had put all this stuff in the back of mind for years. Then when she developed dementia I have had to spend more and more time as a caregiver, this cheating really bothers me. But all the important stuff – who? Why? when begin? when stop? do not feel remorse for hiding this time? She claims to remember NOTHING or our 46 years of marriage. She has dementia, true, but can remember stuff from her childhood, but of our lives together. That makes it hurt even more.
My husband says it’s over its in the past I’m back home nothing to worry about. Also it’s my fault
What has changed now that makes you feel as if you should have divorced in the 1980s? What made you stay married the first time you discovered her affair?