Rebuild Trust after Infidelity Together: Discuss Fears and Needs
Do you want to rebuild trust after infidelity?
Then it will involve both of you.
Both you and your partner.
Yes, it’s a two-person effort- NOT just the job of the unfaithful partner.
Despite the common belief that it should be the responsibility of the one who did the cheating to rebuild trust after infidelity, it will take both working together as a team to reconnect.
From my experience in dealing with a cheating spouse and also regretfully having been on the cheating side myself, ACTION will ultimately rebuild trust after infidelity between the two temporarily divided partners, not just words.
But each partner has two different roles to play…
The Two Roles for Couples to Rebuild Trust after Infidelity
The Unfaithful Partner’s Role
Their actions must send a message to their hurt partner that they can trust them again and that the cheating spouse is dedicated to save the marriage.
The Hurt Partner’s Role
They must convince their unfaithful partner that they are open to trusting their spouse again and that they will validate their spouse’s corrective actions that make them feel safe and confident again in the relationship.
Both partners should actively become aware of sabotaging thoughts and beliefs that hinder the trust rebuilding process.
And both must reveal their true feelings in a positive and constructive manner that paves the way for healing the hurt spouse’s pain while also learning how to get closer and take care of each other’s needs.
No bashing or cut-throat blaming.
Instead, they work as teammates attempting to pursue the same goal of mutual relationship happiness.
Onto the Trust Building Action Steps
According to Dr. Janis Spring in her book “After the Affair” in Chapter 6 there are two levels of trust-building behaviors that the hurt spouse should request and one that the cheating spouse should make.
She calls them “lost-cost behaviors” and “high-cost behaviors”.
“Lost-cost behaviors” are easier to abide by and gain momentum towards the bigger-trust building “high-cost behaviors”.
The hurt spouse must request behaviors of their unfaithful spouse that reassure them that they are appreciated, safe, and cared for.
The unfaithful spouse must request words or actions that reassure that their efforts to rebuild trust after infidelity are working and sufficient to their hurt spouse.
==>Dr. Springs suggests that couples address all aspects of the relationship including communication, free time, finances, sex, the children (and other family members), annoying habits, etc.
Remember the idea is to reunite and build a stronger bond than before.
Something is missing in the relationship and neither party is properly communicating what they want.
Instead, you both are hoping that your partner just “gets you”.
Time to shoot straight and share your needs with each other instead of depending on mind-reading.
Here are paraphrased examples of “Low-Cost Behaviors”, create your own too…
“Low-Cost Behaviors” to Help Rebuild Trust after Infidelity
(according to Dr. Janis Spring in “After the Affair”)
BOTH the hurt Spouse and the unfaithful spouse may request these of each other.
- “Tell me when the Other Woman contacts you.”
- “Share with me what big goals you want to accomplish in your personal life. Do not hold them in.”
- “Don’t hide your sexual fantasies from me, share them.”
- “Share your bucket list items with me.”
- “Please give me a chance to learn what exciting things you want to accomplish in your life.”
- “Tell me how you like me to flirt with you.”
- “Tell me about the places or events you want to do, especially the ones that you thought I would never want to go to.”
- “Make dinner with me at least once a week. (Choose a specific day).”
- “Tell me when you think that I am not listening to you.”
- “Please do not feel a need to use sarcasm to get your point across.”
- “Please don’t assume you know what I am thinking or how I feel. Ask me.”
- “Let’s choose one date night a week.”
- “If you feel that I am not prioritizing your needs please tell me.”
- “Discuss with me your biggest fears in life and in our relationship.”
And nowhere is a sample list of requests from an imaginary, yet a realistic couple.
Sample Requests from an Unfaithful Spouse
(Realistic Scenario)
Tom felt that his own personal needs no longer were a priority to his wife Sue.
He began to feel like the relationship had turned one-sided where his wife’s personal needs became the focal point and she was ignoring his.
In addition to his unmet personal needs, Tom held many frustrations regarding how Sue treated him.
The affair for him was a subconscious effort to feel self-empowered and regain control of his own decisions before lost the sense of purpose in his life.
Cheating of course didn’t solve his problem, instead of in created a new set of problems.
He did not communicate his frustrations directly to his wife.
Instead, he felt certain that she would NOT empathize and support him.
If he had shared his thoughts with her then he would have acted more cautiously around his sympathetic and lonely co-worker and not shared so many personal details regarding his frustrations with his marriage with her at lunch.
But Tom did not respect the boundaries.
He did not fear that an office friendship could turn into platonic love and then soon they began to contact each other outside of work…
…then see each other outside of work.
And then their “friendship” snowballed into an emotional affair…
…and then into a physical one.
Fast forward to the present after he got caught and feels ashamed of his actions.
Tom wants to rebuild trust after infidelity with his wife Sue but his unmet needs and frustrations before the affair still linger.
Now he feels that he can comfortably tell his Mary what he wants as well as the other frustrations with her that he has trapped inside himself.
Here are some “low-cost behaviors” that Tom could request of Sue.
- “I do not like the direction in my career, but understand your need to feel like we are stable and safe. Please respect my right to an enjoyable career. Allow me to design an action plan and discuss it with you.”
- “I recognize that you may mistrust that I am actually with my friends when I spend time with them, but I need you to trust me and respect my personal space. I will tell you in advance where and when I am going and send you a pic of me out with my friends, as well as set a reasonable time to return home.”
- “I understand your need to share the chores around the house, but let’s discuss which ones suit our strengths and make a list to split. I don’t appreciate it when you belittle me and call me lazy and “less of a man” for not doing my part.”
- “Discuss with me your specific frustrations. Do not assume you know how I feel nor that you can predict what I am going to say or do. I take offense to this and then you get upset without even giving us a chance.”
Mary did not even know that Tom felt this way, but now has a better understanding of his needs and appreciates that he shared them with her.
This makes her feel like he wants to work things out with her which in turn provides her hope of a brighter future together.
Now it’s her turn…
The Hurt Spouse’s “Low-Cost Behaviors” Requests
Sue, the hurt spouse, felt ignored and neglected before the affair and especially now after the affair.
She felt that her husband had prioritized career and other non-relationship matters over her needs to be cherished and adored.
But she didn’t know how to express it.
She didn’t want to come across as selfish and needy.
But Tom’s affair arrived as a complete shock because she had no idea about the frustrations that were stewing around in his mind.
The affair felt like a train wreck that she never saw coming until it became too late to avoid the crash.
Sue wants to rebuild trust after infidelity.
And now that Tom has shared his requests and opened up about his frustrations Sue feels for once in a long time like she can open up her heart too.
Here is her list of specific, actionable requests with an emphasis on positive and constructive feedback.
- “I miss doing fun activities with you. Let’s go to a place or event in town we’ve never been that we’ve discussed in the past.”
- “I miss getting each other surprise gifts for each other. Let’s find an inexpensive gift for under $25 to surprise and delight one another this week.”
- “I miss your warm, long hugs and when you’d hold my hand as we walked around the neighborhood lake. Please try them again. They make me feel loved, safe and protected by you. I love when you act romantic and like my protector.”
- “I fell in love with your smile and your laugh. I would love for you to share them with me again. Let’s go out to a comedy club and romantic dinner this month.”
Summary of Shared “Low-Cost” Request Lists
Please note that these are NOT orders or demands ==> rather invitations to reunite and engage with one another with the intention of pleasing and making each other feel good about spending time together.
The items you list and your spouse lists should mean something special to you to make you feel heard and that your needs matter.
You both take a leap of faith abiding by each other’s requests because you want to turn a new leaf from recent bitter feelings into a warm, loving and supportive ones.
…work towards a more enjoyable mutual co-existence with each other.
Come to an agreement that you both have the right intentions to work towards a more enjoyable mutual co-existence with each other.
Look out for moments to catch yourself when you feel negative thoughts related to your spouse’s actions entering your mind.
These low-cost behaviors should be easier to accommodate and will gain positive momentum towards the enjoyment of your relationship together more easily before focusing on the next set of requests- “high-cost behaviors” as Dr. Spring refers to them in her book “After the Affair”.
These easier-to-perform requests will likely automatically inject trust and admiration back into your partnership.
You will both begin to find hope that you can both enjoy each other’s company again and feel a connection.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, don’t assume you know what they are thinking, feeling or what they want
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, don’t assume you know what they are thinking, feeling or what they want- ASK FIRST before allowing a fight to sabotage your efforts.
High-Cost Requests: What the Unfaithful Partner MUST Do to Rebuild Trust after Infidelity
The “low-cost behaviors” are necessary for bonding.
You BOTH must participate, not just talk about them, but ACTUALLY DO THEM.
However, these smaller requests will NOT be enough to END your hurt spouse’s suspicions or convince him/her that you are COMPLETELY onboard with restoring and strengthening your relationship.
Confessing, promising faithfulness may be enough for the unfaithful partner in his/her heart, but why would that be enough for the hurt spouse?
It’s not.
The requests in this section show more DEDICATION and SACRIFICE on the unfaithful partner’s part to put the affair in the rear-view mirror once and for all in the eyes of their hurt spouse.
These detailed requests from the hurt spouse may seem like bigger requests but if the unfaithful partner is serious about proving their dedication then they must strongly consider them.
Attaching a timeline and adding date to discuss the progress rebuild trust faster.
If you are the unfaithful spouse reading this now then think of the “high-cost behaviors” as PROVING YOUR LOVE again or RENEWING YOUR VOWS.
Here are some examples of realistic possibilities
- “Do NOT contact your lover in ANY form. Steer clear of the temptation to go back. Allow me access to your computer and phone for three months.”
- “Hire and pay for a private investigator to watch your whereabouts and communication for (a reasonable time frame) and to update me with their findings.”
- “Transfer 25% of your assets into my name.”
- “Transfer out of your department where you and your lover work or get a new job.”
- “Let’s move to another city within six months.”
- “Request a transfer to a new branch in a different city or state NOW that will take place in the next 12 months.”
- “Buy me an expensive gift of over (x amount) in the next three months and surprise me.”
- “Go on an expensive romantic vacation this summer.”
- “Allow me to go back to college and work part-time in the next six months.”
- “Give me access to all your financial statements for the next six months.”
- “Begin therapy for your alcohol addiction this month.”
- “Get 5 sessions of individual therapy to figure out how the affair happened and what you need in your life to break free from your feeling of sadness. Then commit to at least 5 sessions of marriage counseling together.”
- “I forgive you for the affair provided you commit to making an effort to find happiness together and in your own personal life, BUT I need to know the details of your affair. Therefore, during our couple’s therapy answer ALL my questions in front of the therapist and allow him/her to help us work through my pain. I promise NOT to bash and attack you. I want us to find ways to be enjoy our lives.”
Compromising “Low-Cost” and “High Cost” Behaviors
Dr. Spring makes a point at the bottom of page 157 in her book “Life after Affair” that ALL behaviors whether “low cost” or “high cost” could be met with resistance or hesitation by the partner to whom the requests are made.
What the requester may see as easy to comply with their partner may see as threatening and demeaning.
But depending on the circumstances of the affair the request to comply with a certain behavior may be critical to rebuild trust after infidelity.
For example in my case, my wife profusely opposed to helping contribute to our bills.
Her excuse was that the way she was raised the man took care of them.
But instead she set aside and funneled her money to taking trips to New York to “visit her friends”.
So, rather than help me pay for the services that aided our lifestyle together she invested that money to cheat and aid in breaking our relationship.
It would have been important for me that she show her recommitting by depositing money in a shared bank account earmarked for paying bills and doing things together like dinners out or vacations.
Another likely example could be if an unfaithful partner cheated with a co-worker or neighbors.
A hurt partner could request that their spouse change job locations or that they move to another city to start fresh.
Threat to Self?
Dr. Spring cautions that an unfaithful partner may resist requests that threaten their sense of self, status or income.
In the case of asking the unfaithful spouse to change jobs would mean a major loss in salary and remove him/her from a high-level position which took years to reach.
This is where negotiating will play an important role.
A combination of requests could suffice to prove to the hurt spouse that his/her unfaithful spouse has full intention to rebuild trust after infidelity.
And this is where agreeing on “low-cost behaviors” and putting them into motion will ease the negotiations of these “high-cost behaviors”.
If you would like to learn some strategies and techniques on how to rebuild trust after infidelity then I recommend you pick up a copy of Dr. Janis Springs “After the Affair” here.
Starting on page 159 she outlines her strategy of how you two could compromise when you are stuck and struggle to agree on “high-cost behaviors” and how to overcome resistance to change.
Click here to purchase an inexpensive copy of “After the Affair”.
Now…
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Photo in top image by John Willink
