Why Cheating Men Stay Married: 10 Reasons They Don’t Divorce or Leave
No cheating man hopes or plans to get caught in an affair. But why do some cheating men stay married after their wife finds out about their affair? To maintain an affair you go through a lot of trouble of living a second life.
I receive numerous emails from betrayed wives whose husbands USUALLY still see the Other Woman after getting caught!
It crushes my heart every time.
And it’s blatantly obvious from their detailed messages that their serial cheating husband is completely mentally and emotionally adrift. He has no intention of treating her the way she wants. Yet, he sticks around with her and still cheats.
These heart-crushed wives pray and hope for a miracle.
You’d think that their husbands must have wanted the Other Woman so badly that once they got caught that they’d just ask for a divorce or leave, right?
Not always true.
It depends on why they cheated or if the cheating serves as an exit strategy from a marriage they have already checked out mentally and emotionally. (My ex-wife did this to me).
[Is it FINALLY time to Confront Your Cheating Husband about fixing your marriage?]
Why Married Men Cheat vs Why Cheating Men Stay Married
The reasons men (or people in general) cheat often points to their personality handling conflict (both internally with themselves and with others).
This post does not pertain so much as to why men cheat, as much as it does to why cheating men stay married…
…and at the end of this reading offers insight and a suggestion of how to determine if you can save your marriage. I also suggest an effective resource that reveals the first steps to stop the affair and turn things around.
But a little insight as to why men cheat can help you decide if your cheating husband wants to stop the affair and rebuild the trust back with you. And so I agree that there are many cases when married men cheat that they still love you, value the relationship with you and want to fix the marriage.
Such instances could be when married men cheat by turning to old patterns of addictive tendencies from their youth that helped them feel better during confusing times in their lives. Many experts in psychology, as well as couples marital counselors, believe that these kinds of behaviors can be reversed.
Suspect Cheating Again???
If you sense that he is back to cheating again, then [click here] to discover who his cheating partner is and more secrets (run a thorough background check from the industry leader Truthfinder.com). Only do this if you can handle the truth because it will pull up some awfully suspicious information.
Spyware is one the best ways to catch a cheating spouse. View all emails, texts, and phone activity with mSpy (affiliate link). (Know your local laws. You must own the phone that you install spyware on.)
==>DOWNLOAD your FREE copy of “Win-Win Affair Survival” Learn how to survive an affair no matter the outcome.
[Take Poll]…and at the Bottom of this Post [Share Your Opinion]
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10 Reasons Cheating Men Stay Married…Don’t Divorce or Leave the Marriage … and Even Sometimes Still See the Other Woman
1. Ashamed of Getting Caught but Saves Some Face by Staying
Many cheating men stay married quite frankly because they feel ashamed and do not know how to react. So by sticking around they believe they can appear somewhat responsible by staying.
2. No Back-Up Plan
Other cheating men stay married because they never thought that they’d get caught. Therefore, they never made a backup plan or strategy for what to do next. For now, they just want to buy extra time while they decide what they want to do.
3. No Exit Plan
As I mentioned above, other men cheat because they want out. They do not see things getting better either because they tried making things better and it didn’t work or they haven’t even attempted at all. But now they got caught before they could create an exit strategy of where to live and the details for separation, so instead, these cheating men stay married for convenience.
4. Unique Feelings He Never Got Before (or Not in a While)
All men love to feel attractive and appreciated. And when their marriage experiences an emotional lull they become vulnerable to meet someone who temporarily gives them the attention they’ve longed for (cheating women go through this too). They stay married because, to them, these feelings are NOT the most important reason to be in a relationship. But at this point, he may no longer feel the need to keep seeing the Other Woman.
5. He Won’t Let Go
On the other hand, he went through a slump in the marriage, and found someone who gives him the emotional attention he craves and he does not want to lose that. Therefore, he’ll find a way to see The Other Woman. But he still prefers the safe, comfortable feeling of the married life with you. Is this a sign that you can save the marriage? Click here to view a preview of Dr. Bob Huizenga’s Infidelity Recovery Center.
6. Doesn’t See Her REAL Side Like He Sees Yours
Similar to the previous reason, some cheating men stay married because he believes he can hide the affair better this time while pretending to be faithful with you. He still erroneously believes that she is perfect and maybe she is “the One” and sees you as the false soulmate. Yes, I know that hurts to read, but it’s the ugly truth in some cases.
7. Thinks He Has Options and Gets to Choose Later
This case is similar to number 1, except here he decides that it comes down to you or her, and not be alone without a relationship. So while you might want help to save the marriage (just not sure how or where yet), he misinterprets your apparent inaction as you giving him a choice between you or her. And after all, if he blames the affair on you, then he feels he deserves the right to choose (as stupid of a reason that is).
8. The Safety and Comfort of Familiarity (Something He Does NOT Get with Her)
He may not want to see her. And in his mind right now, he does not even care too much about the relationship with you either. He’s just thankful if he can get away with not paying any consequences (moving out) while still keeping everything in his life safe and sound (house, friends, activities, job).
9. You Haven’t Taken a Stronger Stance
He would work things out with you, he feels shame and regret, he doesn’t see the Other Woman but keeps in touch. He doesn’t want to hurt her either by completely breaking up. BUT the reason he keeps talking to her is that you haven’t taken a stronger stance on him cutting off all contact with her. And I get it, you don’t know what to do yet.
That’s why you should keep reading to the end of this post.
10. He Still Loves You and Realizes His Life is Better with You 🙂
And the good news is that some cheating men stay married because they absolutely hate themselves for what they did, but don’t know how to go about repairing the emotional damage with you. I invite your husband to read my post on how unfaithful partners can rebuild trust (and also read my review of the resource I suggest within it).
They feel so ashamed that they clam up and shut down emotionally. Obviously, these last two points leave the door open to save the marriage.
Bashing Him Will NOT Fix the Marriage…It Will ONLY Push Him Away
Anyone can understand your frustration and rage after discovering your husband’s betrayal, but berating him with insults and pushing him to make decisions will only backfire on you.
He made his own decision behind your back to see another woman and he will need to make his own decision to stay married and rebuild lost trust.
Anger certainly feels more empowering than depression, but if you want to save your marriage then you have other options on how to take a strong stance with your cheating husband.
Today I write because I want to help you understand what you’re up against and then, if possible, how to win him back.
But keep one thing in mind.
It only takes one to make the first step to recovery (you), but it takes two to fall back in love and rebuild the relationship.
[Related Post- My Husband’s Emailed His Lover While Rocking Our Baby to Sleep and Talked About His Past Lovers]
So Now What Can You Do Next If You Want to Save the Marriage?
The key to stop your husband’s affair and to re-create a happy marriage again is, first, to determine if he will do his part to save the relationship.
Does he want to have a happy marriage with you again?
That’s why I recommend to the majority of my visitors and newsletter subscribers that they read “Break Free from the Affair” (read my review).
The author/relationship coach Dr. Huizenga provides the details of his 7 different kinds of affairs.
He also describes the personality traits of the kind of person who commits each one and the scenarios that surround all of them.
[On a Scale of 1-10] the Probability that You Can Save Your Marriage
The most unique feature of Break Free from the Affair is that Dr. Huizenga offers a prediction for each kind of affair on a scale of 1-10 of how likely you can save your marriage.
This benefits you to know what challenge lies ahead.
Furthermore, he describes what kind of behavior to expect from your betraying spouse, how long the affair will last, and the probability that your spouse will cheat again.
Find Out Why Your Husband Cheated and the Best Strategy to Confront Him to Stop His Affair
[Click Here] to read my detailed PROs and CONs review of Break Free from the Affair.
[Free Membership] The Infidelity Recovery Center
You can download a sneak peek of Break Free from the Affair (the 7 Kinds of Affairs Cheat Sheet) as well as nearly 10 other free resources by accepting the free membership into Dr. Huizenga’s Infidelity Recovery Center.
In fact, read over my reviews of the [free Infidelity Recovery Center membership] and the more advanced level memberships.
It Only Takes One to Make the First Step … But It Takes Two to Fix It
If you want to keep your marriage and return to a happy life with your husband then you must make the first move.
You do not have the choice of waiting and letting time heal.
It’s proven by marriage counselors and other experts in the field that the longer you wait to learn and apply the techniques to save the marriage, the harder and less likely you will accomplish it.
Joining the Infidelity Recovery Center or reading Break Free from the Affair may only make up a portion of the methods and tools you learn to survive your husband’s affair, but it’s a great place to start.
I invite you to read my reviews of Break Free from the Affair and of the Free Infidelity Recovery Center.
[Share Your Opinion] Why Do Cheating Men Stay Married?
What Are They Thinking? What’s Their Motivation to Stay?
Hi Orlando, I emailed you buy my email bounced. I was going to tell you my story. I also sent it through the form. Did you get it?
Hello, sorry about that. Please send it to infidelityfirstaidkit@gmail.com. I need to fix my other email address.
When you all have an
Answer I’d love to know , lol . A man I know got caught , he still cheats and he will never leave his wife , he loves his lifestyle and his money and does not want to hurt his kids , so he lives in a marriage with no passion , no love , only a friendship and will always cheat . Sad isn’t it . She even has a tracer on his phone and he leaves it at the office lol , it’s great to be friends with men because you learn how sad they really are , and I keep reading how to save your marriage , but when your heart has left the marriage , it doesn’t take papers to get divorced .
It hurt me to read this because I can feel your emotions. Some people, in this case, men, want two things that conflict 1) the rush and excitement of “falling in lust” 2) the healthy wholesome feeling of having a family. This person probably is not meant to have long-term healthy relationships. It’s likely they’re a narcissist, sociopath, or just not mature and selfish (without clinical designation).
This stuff happens to men too! I thought my serial cheating wife wanted to work things out. I got stupid, believed her. The whole time she wanted out. She left after she had saved more money to move out. Then kept seeing the OP! I’m so dumb!
Hi, I believe my husband has had 1 or more affairs. I havent found any concrete proof but his actions, behaviors & treatment to me, also, he put me face to face with one of them, the other one i found a pic on his phone of him standing behind the female while she was looking at the phone blowing a kiss. Then another, i found text messages between him & the female. The thing that throws me off with that is that the wording didnt sound like him, the texts were long, & words were spelled correctly which is nothing like him. But i did confront him, stating what i found& he was quiet. I asked him, if he had anything to say?& he said, i dont know what to say. So then i asked, did you have sex with A? B?or C? Or all 3? He said, Hell no! & that was it. Do you think that sounds like a cheater?? Im just not sure. Ive waited for him to see his wrongs & to come be truthful. But im still waiting.
If he’s been serial cheating how likely do you think he wants to admit he’s wrong? And even if he did how likely would he stop just because you caught him?
Definitely know the feeling Mike. None of us want to believe that our spouses will cheat on us. So when it happens we still want to believe everything will turn around and work out. Thank you for sharing and if you feel like talking to someone outside the situation please send me a message on my contact page.
My husband cheated for 10 years. I never suspected anything. Long term affairs, shortterm, one night, threesomes and also with a male. Went to extreme measures to hide it from me, which was relatively easy as he worked interstate and had ‘work trips’ over the same period. He has said he started cheating because he didn’t get enough sex and that he might have fallen out of love with me during my difficult pregnancy. Started with port, then websites, then hookups, then work affairs. He had deep emotional and physical relationships with a couple of women. He doesn’t know why he had a sexual one with a man. He never expressed much to me but was very engaged with a work colleague and a woman from a hookup site that ‘caught’ him out pretending he was single. He rang them both for hours every week. He told them everything about his life with me and our kids. The one who caught him, did threaten to expose him, so he did everything for her. He also had unprotected sex with her because he trusted her! The woman from work knew him well and was single, but had no problem having an emotional and sexual affair with him. I have no idea why he never left the marriage and why he is still here. The moment I discovered his infidelity, he dropped all 4 of his ‘escapedes’ even though I only knew about 1 of them at the time. He never disclosed anything to me post D-day, I found out through one mistress who contacted me when she was dumped. The same woman had stalked me for years ( he knew) and had had weekends away with him, a diamond ring with promises of a future together, and had sex with him in our 20th, 21st and 25th anniversary ( he flew over to spend the day/night with her). He says she meant nothing but the availability of sex to him. The funny thing is, when we had sex, he was horrible to me, not caring, not emotionally connected to me. With them it was a very different story. Why is he now staying and working so hard to keep me, someone he didn’t give a shit about for so long? I am totally confused!!
I am so sorry for not responding to this comment earlier. The truth is that it seems that my back end system is preventing all comments from getting through. I had to look in the trash bin to find them all. Sorry again. I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but your response is somewhat typical to the emails I receive. So do not feel alone. Your husband appears to have the traits of a serial cheater. He has no idea why he does it because the emotional issues that lead to his decision to cheat run so deep that he does not even see them. Most likely his self-esteem is very low, he needs the attention to validate his own self-worth. He has strung along all these other women too, making them feel important. No doubt he told them all sob stories of what he was missing in his relationship with you. And they all fell for it. But now he gets to “have his cake and eat it too” by staying with you in a safe life where he has a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in. And the sad part is I would predict that this is not over. And if he doesn’t stop what will you do? Unless he sees the problem lies within himself and wants to seek help to fix his own issues then you will live these nightmares forever. My question to him would be why do you want to stay married? What do you get out of it? Why do you want to stop cheating? Please keep safe and think for yourself. You may be standing at a fork in the road in which both paths lead to something uncomfortable. Which path leads to some kind of peace at the end?
Thank you for your insights regarding my husband. I think he tries to find the “why” he was unfaithful for so long. He says there are several reasons. He does have childhood issues, as he was never validated by his mother, he was never good enough. He joined the army at 18 and spent 22 years doing a job he loved. When he retired as a colonel, he felt he had lost a big part of him, he no longer felt the power, attention and respect that came with his job. This is also the time he started cheating. He continued to cheat to get that attention and admiration and validation that he believed he didn’t get from me. So he cultivated the part of his life that he felt gave him what he needed. He said to me that he didn’t see any point in working on us, as he didn’t believe that I could give him what he needed. He says he has always loved me, and never loved any of the others. He used them to serve and gratify his needs, nothing else. He dumped all of them the minute I found out. It has now been 1 1/2 years since D-day, and he is doing everything he can to make me happy, including working on himself to become the man I deserve. I still love him but I no longer trust him. I don’t know if I can ever fill his needs. He says he now sees what’s important to him in life. I am still confused how someone who loves you can decide to turn to others rather than express his needs to me. I question if he really knows what love is since he could lie, cheat, emotionally withdraw from me, play me for a fool and stab me in the back for so long. He was so loving and giving to all his secret affair partners, but the complete opposite with me. I have asked him why he didn’t leave and why he is staying now, he says it is because he loves me so much. He gives me full transparency and never goes away overnight anymore. He wants to live a life of integrity and be a man i can be proud of. I am just a little bit cynical about this complete turnaround when he not too long ago just didn’t care about me at all. I’m not prepared to give up on us yet, but I don’t want to be fooled again. I have my eyes wide open now.
I understand how you would feel Lillian. How could you feel completely safe after he said you no longer fit his needs? May I ask, have you challenged him to give you what you need? Now it’s your turn, right? I plan to write more posts for the cheating spouse who wants to fix the marriage. In fact, here is one Rebuilding Broken Trust: Steps Cheating Spouses MUST Take to Save Marriage.